Turning troublesome expections to realistic ones.

Remember my new-mom expectations I told you about yesterday?

As I gained experience, my expectations became more realistic and my confidence grew.  I even had a few memorable breakthroughs. One day, I was attending the hospital’s baby-parent class with other nervous new parents. I was trying in vain to keep my fussy infant happy while a seasoned mom answered our questions, her contented baby snoozing in her baby sling. I looked around, suddenly noticing there was not one mom under the age of 35 in that room. Where were they? I mused. Out enjoying their babies; not in here stressing about how to be a perfect parent came the answer. I left and never went back!

Is there any way for well-meaning, committed parents to fully escape the grasp of unrealistic expectations?  I honestly don’t know. The hounds of unrealistic expectations continue to nip at my heels to this day!  Perhaps it’s harder for those of us who tend naturally toward idealism.  We’re hard-wired to shoot high.

Nevertheless, I believe it is possible to temper expectations with truth. Try this exercise:

When you feel some disequilibrium, write out your expectations.
I should always know what to do.
I need uninterrupted sleep every night or I can’t have a good day.
I’m a better mom if I give birth naturally.
Good parents are never upset with their kids.

 The power of unrealistic expectations often lies in their hidden nature.  When we put light on them, whether on paper or talking with a friend, we see them more objectively. We often realize how ridiculous they are.

The next step is to rewrite realistic expectations:
I have plenty of time and resources to find out what to do.  There’s no rush or shame in that process.
I can be tired and have a good day.
My goal is to deliver a healthy baby.  It’s not really about me as a mother.
As a human being, I have permission to be human.  When I blow it, I can model to my kids how to ask for forgiveness, a life skill they will need to possess.

Expectations have a powerful influence on our parenting experience.  If we can get a handle on troublesome unrealistic expectations and replace them with realistic expectations, we’ll find lots of emotional energy diverted from stressing out to enjoying to the fullest the amazing gift of being a parent.  And that is a goal worthy of any idealist!

-posted by Donna Detweiler who was happy to ditch some of her silly expectations after seeing them on paper.