The Myth of the Perfect Parent

I recently read an article by this title in a magazine. It was comforting to be reminded that perfect parenting is a myth. Don’t many of us struggle with perfectionism?  Perfectionism has stolen lots of contentment and joy from my journey as a parent and caused much needless anxiety.

Parental perfectionism is a distortion of a healthy desire. A fierce love for my children propels me to have high standards regarding my performance as their mom.  That is normal and good.  But just like a tiny drop of red food coloring permeates a whole glass of liquid, a dose of perfectionism can taint my parenting experience.

As a new parent, I read everything I could on parenting. I was chock full of high ideals—the best scenarios regarding eating, sleeping, teething, playing…  I had lots of faith in experts and little faith in my ability to think and decide what was best for my children. For experts, things seemed so black and white.  In my home, life never fit into the scenarios described in books.  The perfect parent in my mind was like a nightmare housemother, constantly peering over my shoulder, criticizing, threatening, and berating.

It took me a few years to kick her out for good.  The process went something like this:  Get completely tired and discouraged, talk to my friends for perspective and encouragement, talk to some mom mentors, read less parenting books because of being too tired, start to trust my own capacity to make decisions about my children, keep talking to friends, begin to develop confidence as a mom.  Growing in my faith was a big part of the journey too!

If you are feeling beat up by perfect parent perfectionism, here are a few suggestions:

Work at balance. Life is not all good or all bad; it is a mix of both. A normal day has elements of both. That is reality.  I can celebrate the good parts and accept when the day didn’t go as I’d hoped, or I wasn’t the mom I’d like to be.  When I give myself grace to have good and bad moments, I’m better at extending that grace to my family members!

Recognize trouble spots. Anger was a trouble spot for me because perfectionism breeds anger. I found that I had anger towards my children because it seemed like I couldn’t please them when in reality I couldn’t live up to my impossible vision of a perfect mother. Other trouble spots can be obsessive house cleaning, withdrawal into fantasy novels, too much TV, depression.  Anything that is out of balance needs to be flagged as a trouble spot.

Find resources for help. Once I recognized my trouble spot, I began to get help.  For me, finding a mentor helped.  I talked things out with this trusted person.  This experienced mom helped me recognize my unrealistic expectations, which was the first step decoding the anger I felt. Other resources for trouble spots can be topical books, your own parents, doctors, conferences and our faith communities.  The prerequisite for finding help is often getting desperate enough to be humble and ask!

Ask your children for forgiveness.  This was the most peace-giving breakthrough for me. It broke through the perfectionism for good as I realigned myself as a fellow traveler in life with my children versus being the perfect person to my children. The first time I asked my kids to forgive me and to pray for me was amazing. As always, children are ready to forgive and comfort.  They have now seen me grow and change in areas of weakness.  Now I have modeled to them how to handle a weak area, which they will encounter too.  In admitting my weakness, I have taught my children more than I could be seeming to be perfect.

I’m learning that being a perfect parent is a pernicious myth. I can’t be one. My spouse can’t be one.  My children never will be either. I’m learning that perfectionism promotes a lie. Life is good and bad, wonderful and terrible at times. We have both strengths and weaknesses and so do our children. That is a balanced, healthy perspective. And healthy parenting involves embracing this reality and living honestly, courageously, freely and adventurously as we walk alongside our kids in community.

-posted by Donna Detweiler, who is learning that embracing “messy life” is way more fun than pursuing “perfect life”.