I recently read an article by this title in a magazine. It was comforting to be reminded that perfect parenting is a myth. Don’t many of us struggle with perfectionism?  Perfectionism has stolen lots of contentment and joy from my journey as a parent and caused much needless anxiety.

Parental perfectionism is a distortion of a healthy desire. A fierce love for my children propels me to have high standards regarding my performance as their mom.  That is normal and good.  But just like a tiny drop of red food coloring permeates a whole glass of liquid, a dose of perfectionism can taint my parenting experience.

As a new parent, I read everything I could on parenting. I was chock full of high ideals—the best scenarios regarding eating, sleeping, teething, playing…  I had lots of faith in experts and little faith in my ability to think and decide what was best for my children. For experts, things seemed so black and white.  In my home, life never fit into the scenarios described in books.  The perfect parent in my mind was like a nightmare housemother, constantly peering over my shoulder, criticizing, threatening, and berating.

It took me a few years to kick her out for good.  The process went something like this:  Get completely tired and discouraged, talk to my friends for perspective and encouragement, talk to some mom mentors, read less parenting books because of being too tired, start to trust my own capacity to make decisions about my children, keep talking to friends, begin to develop confidence as a mom.  Growing in my faith was a big part of the journey too!

If you are feeling beat up by perfect parent perfectionism, here are a few suggestions:

Work at balance. Life is not all good or all bad; it is a mix of both. A normal day has elements of both. That is reality.  I can celebrate the good parts and accept when the day didn’t go as I’d hoped, or I wasn’t the mom I’d like to be.  When I give myself grace to have good and bad moments, I’m better at extending that grace to my family members!

Recognize trouble spots. Anger was a trouble spot for me because perfectionism breeds anger. I found that I had anger towards my children because it seemed like I couldn’t please them when in reality I couldn’t live up to my impossible vision of a perfect mother. Other trouble spots can be obsessive house cleaning, withdrawal into fantasy novels, too much TV, depression.  Anything that is out of balance needs to be flagged as a trouble spot.

Find resources for help. Once I recognized my trouble spot, I began to get help.  For me, finding a mentor helped.  I talked things out with this trusted person.  This experienced mom helped me recognize my unrealistic expectations, which was the first step decoding the anger I felt. Other resources for trouble spots can be topical books, your own parents, doctors, conferences and our faith communities.  The prerequisite for finding help is often getting desperate enough to be humble and ask!

Ask your children for forgiveness.  This was the most peace-giving breakthrough for me. It broke through the perfectionism for good as I realigned myself as a fellow traveler in life with my children versus being the perfect person to my children. The first time I asked my kids to forgive me and to pray for me was amazing. As always, children are ready to forgive and comfort.  They have now seen me grow and change in areas of weakness.  Now I have modeled to them how to handle a weak area, which they will encounter too.  In admitting my weakness, I have taught my children more than I could be seeming to be perfect.

I’m learning that being a perfect parent is a pernicious myth. I can’t be one. My spouse can’t be one.  My children never will be either. I’m learning that perfectionism promotes a lie. Life is good and bad, wonderful and terrible at times. We have both strengths and weaknesses and so do our children. That is a balanced, healthy perspective. And healthy parenting involves embracing this reality and living honestly, courageously, freely and adventurously as we walk alongside our kids in community.

-posted by Donna Detweiler, who is learning that embracing “messy life” is way more fun than pursuing “perfect life”.

My older two were working on schoolwork at the table.  Desperate to be like his older siblings, The Little Mister gave me a few grunts and signs indicating he wanted into his high chair.  I put him in and handed him some paper and a brown marker. I mean, how much damage can he do when he’s in a high chair? (Note: he’s already been banned from having markers anywhere else in the house).

I walked over to the fridge to pull out some ingredients and get a head start on dinner.  In the time it took me to do that, The Little Mister disappeared and The Naughty Magnet emerged.  It’s kind of like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; it’s just a transformation that he somehow goes through.

The thing about The Naughty Magnet is that it’s hard to get upset at him.  I mean, I’m not naïve when it comes to children and disobedience.  After all, I have two other children and I was a less-than-compliant child myself once.  And I’m all for discipline. But when he’s in Naughty Magnet mode, it’s not necessarily disobedience.  The child attracts naughtiness like honey attracts bees.  For example, he can just walk by my utensil cabinet and the one tool he’s not allowed to touch (my meat mallet) jumps out of the drawer and into his hand.  It just happens.  Seriously. 

Anyway, so there I was, head in the fridge looking for the ground turkey.  I turned around to put it on the counter and glanced at The Little Mister.  But in his seat sits The Naughty Magnet, looking like he’d just walked out of our local tattoo parlor and proud of it. See the photo for proof of what The Naughty Magnet can do with 15 seconds and a brown marker. And yes, it just so happens that we were scheduled for our annual family photo just two days later.

Another day I’d sent the kids outside for “recess.”  My desk is right by the sliding doors and looks into the yard so that I can work and watch them at the same time.  I was happily catching up on some emails while the kids played.  The Little Mister was happily playing trucks on the other side of the yard.  The washing machine buzzed and I went into the next room to move laundry into the dryer.  I walked back into the room and The Naughty Magnet, cleverly disguised as The Little Mister, was sitting sweetly in a chair, smiling and waving as I walked in.  “Isn’t that cute,” I thought to myself.  “He must have gotten tired of playin…”

That’s when I saw the pile, yes, pile of wet, sandy dirt and an empty bucket tossed casually next to it, on the floor between my desk and the chair where he sat rocking.  His smile said “What?  Isn’t that where we keep our extra dirt?”  All I could think was “How did he get that bucket in the time it took me to move the clothes? He wasn’t even digging when I got up from my desk.”

What’s a mom going to do when these things happen?  Naughty Magnet or not, there are going to be things that just go crazy in a matter of seconds. Kids get dirty.  Kids act naughty.  Discipline is necessary, and an important part of child training, but perhaps the most important thing is a good, calm attitude.  Going ballistic, screaming, and yelling will only teach your children a bad habit-a habit of anger. 

I’m not saying to ignore naughty behavior.  I’m saying to control your response. You are the parent. Acknowledge that things like marker on body parts and sand on carpets happen.  Handle and respond to the situation in an appropriate and mature manner because you are training your child by your responses.  Child training happens through repetitive teaching and modeling of proper behavior.  Overreacting or “freaking out” will teach behavior that, when your child repeats it, you will find unattractive, undesirable and perhaps even embarrassing. 

Someday The Naughty Magnet will grow into a young man, and I want the pleasure of seeing one who is in control of his responses and anger, not one who, by observing his mother, learned to yell and shout over life’s messy accidents.  And what’s more, today’s frustrating events are the stuff of tomorrow’s funny stories.  Yes, one day you, too, will be able to laugh about dirt on the carpet.

-posted by Donna Venning, who is seriously considering buying stock in a cleaning products company, as she anticipates keeping them in business for years to come.

The following is from an interesting article I read in ScienceDaily:

Researchers have discovered that infants respond to the rhythm and tempo of music and find it more engaging than speech.

The findings, based on the study of infants aged between five months and two years old, suggest that babies may be born with a predisposition to move rhythmically in response to music.

The research was conducted by Dr Marcel Zentner, from the University of York’s Department of Psychology, and Dr Tuomas Eerola, from the Finnish Centre of Excellence in Interdisciplinary Music Research at the University of Jyvaskyla.

Dr Zentner said: “Our research suggests that it is the beat rather than other features of the music, such as the melody, that produces the response in infants. We also found that the better the children were able to synchronize their movements with the music the more they smiled.”

But, if you’ve come to a Studio3Music Kindermusik class, you already know that, and didn’t need scientific research to tell you so.

What I love about this research is that it enforces what we’ve learned about the brain. In the first 7 years of life, the brain’s main job is to organize itself. It does this through sensory integration. Sensory integration is the process of sorting, ordering and organizing sensory input (sounds, tastes, touch, visual input, smells, the sense of gravity and movement, and where the body is in space) so that the brain produces useful body responses, useful perceptions, and emotions.

When sensory integration is happening as it should, learning is also easy, and children naturally then seek to learn more complicated tasks. There is an inner drive in children to develop sensory integration. Remember how the babies in the research study smiled the more they could synchronize their movements to the music?

They experienced an “adaptive response”, which is a purposeful, goal-directed response to a sensory experience. The sensory input from his eyes, muscles, joints and vestibular system all are integrated and organized in his brain; therefore, he can make his body move in time to the music. And that ability to do so is very satisfying. So the baby smiles.

I think the key is this: Music helps organize the brain. When the body and all of the senses work together as a whole, adaptation and learning are easy for the brain. Most of our learning must occur first through the integration of our sensory systems. This provides the groundwork for later cognitive functions.

But, you already knew that, whether in your head or in your heart. And so does your little one. And that’s one of the reasons you come to class every week. Because music leads to learning, and learning leads to great satisfaction. What better gift can you give your children?

­-posted by Miss Analiisa, who loves to watch the babies wiggle in their grownups arms as they head toward the studio, cause they can’t get to Kindermusik fast enough, or the older ones running down the sidewalk towards the door, calling their teacher’s name!

After nine years in our home, we are getting ready for a move.  I just heard some of you groan because you know all too well what this means. The disruption of life that comes with showing a home. The garage stuffed with boxes.  Millions of decisions about what the keep and what to get rid of.  And of course the question, “What box did I put that thing in?!”

But let’s talk about the positive side.  I’m discovering there are some unexpected benefits that come with getting a house ready to move, benefits that can be applied to anyone, moving or not!

When our house went on the market this month, I learned about staging a home to sell.  Staging a home means getting it to look like nobody in particular lives there.  All photos come down so that buyers can envision their photos up.  Any distinctive art that a buyer with different taste may dislike goes under a bed. Bookshelves have just a few books and knick knacks instead of the usual overflow.  Bedrooms are emptied except for a tastefully placed item such as a toy or stuffed animal in the pink room.

While this process has taken lots of time and energy, not only does our home look better than ever, but life in our home feels better than ever. There is margin everywhere.  Space on the bookshelves.  Space in the closets.  Space in the cabinets.  Space on the counter.  Space next to my computer.  Even space in the pencil jar.  The best way I can summarize it is that I have felt lightness and accompanying joy from having less stuff around.

One of the most stuffed rooms in the house was my daughter’s.  It took 4 hours to pack her collection of animals, Littlest Pet Shops, games, dolls, knick knacks and a pile of other junk.  You could have easily opened a small toy store with our inventory.  The quantity was almost embarrassing.  We kept out a few play things that could fit easily into her empty closet and a drawer.

The stripping of her room has caused no complaints.  She has been content and her level of creative play has increased.  Yesterday she and her brother made hand sewn vests, sleeping bags and pillows for their stuffed animals from scraps of fabric and my button collection.  I sense she feels less overwhelmed by stuff too.

Like many of us, I have been trying to get rid of stuff for years.  But it seems to take the pressure of a move to get it to the top of the priority list and to force the decision making necessary to cull out unnecessary and sentimental keepsakes.  I knew that I wanted more physical and emotional space in my living environment. Now I know how worthy a goal that was.  And I don’t plan to put all that stuff back in our new home either!

If you’ve been longing for more peace and order in your home, pretend you are moving this summer and strip down your stuff.  Kids actually think this is lots of fun. The changed look of a cleaner room or house invigorates everyone, and summer is a great time to make a few bucks from your stuff by having a garage sale!

-posted by Donna Detweiler, whose sister recently reminded her that S.T.U.F.F. equals Something That Undermines Family Fun.

We’ve heard, through our Kindermusik classes, how important it is to introduce your child to different styles of music. I’m guessing for most of you, opera has not been high on the list. The word “opera” can seem intimidating, but opera is simply a musical drama. Opera can offer many developmental benefits for your child and can be fun too! Introducing your child to opera helps increase language skills, teaches higher level thinking and creative problem-solving skills in real world situations, develops an appreciation for the arts, and stimulates the imagination.

How do you go about it? Let me help! I’ve been a Kindermusik Educator for a few years now, but have a degree in Vocal Performance studying opera. Just last year I performed with the Tacoma Opera company. I love children and I love music. Getting to introduce my love for opera to children is a passion for me. In fact, I did several operas in elementary schools while I was in college. They loved when we performed short Opera scenes for them, and they were the best audience a performer could ever have.

They laugh when it’s funny, show concern when it’s sad, and if there happens to be a big bad wolf in the story, they make sure to let the piggies know he is close by!! If you have school-aged children you might look into Northwest Opera in Schools, Etcetera (NOISE), and other groups that bring opera into the schools (Seattle Opera has had a program). You can set it up for them to come to your school!

For preschoolers, there are lots of ways to introduce them to opera. If you allow your child to watch a little TV during the day, there is a great show called Wonder Pets on Nick Jr. This is a show for preschoolers that has the feel of Operetta -a lighter version of opera with a frivolous story and some spoken dialogue. In Wonder Pets there is orchestral music throughout the show, and most of the dialogue is sung, rather than spoken.  You can watch it right here:

Since it’s not easy or wise to take a 2-5 year old to the opera, you can find videos of operas to watch at home, or books to read. Your children will be entranced by the big sets and costumes. They can dress up like the characters and use different voices for different singers – all things preschoolers love! Here is a link to a list of operas your children might enjoy and recommendations of productions to view.

The most practical way to introduce children to opera is through CDs. Now don’t just sit and listen, get up and let the music move you! There’s music in every opera that will make any child want to get up and run around the room. So, get up and move with them. The Humming Chorus from Madame Butterfly will have you flying like butterflies. There are softer musical moments that are fun to “fall asleep” to; snoring is a must! Here’s a great compilation of operatic works to march, dance and fly to.

You can also teach and experience emotions through music; a sad musical motif  can have you and your child weeping and wailing oh so silly-like. Use a scarf to dance around the room and weep and wail. Don’t forget to blow your silly noses! Light and happy sounding music will get you on your tip toes bouncing around the room. Of course, there are plenty of intense musical moments in opera that can be scary (show them your best scaredy-cat face), or creepy (creep around the room as if you are going to sneak up on someone). So don’t be afraid to move to the music, be silly and have a great time instilling a life-long love of music!

-posted by Miss Stacey, who leaves you with this quote: “To be completely and comprehensively educated means having a background in the arts. By introducing students to opera, we build and sustain cultural intelligence. … Passing on knowledge and understanding about the power of opera to communicate universal themes, ideas, and emotions ultimately enhances and betters our society….” – Dr. Joseph Piro, Associate Professor Curriculum & Instruction, Long Island University

A couple of weeks ago, my family took our first full-length road trip ever. It was, hands-down, the most fun we’ve had on vacation. I had been reading the book Kildee House to Rob. It was a Newberry Honor winner in 1950. Kildee House is about a shy stonecutter named Jerome Kildee, who retires to the redwood forest to be alone. He finds, instead, friendship for the first time in his life. He finds joy in the animals and children he learns to know, in spite of his self-imposed isolation. His quiet ways allow for the local animals and children to invade his space, and that is when the fun begins.

The book reminded me of my childhood trip through the Redwoods, and motivated me to give that same awe-inspiring experience with my own children. So the planning and mapping began.

Whenever I told other kids or teens that we were going to California to the Redwoods, without fail, they all said the same thing, “Disneyland? What are the Redwoods?” At the mention of “road trip, California and Redwoods” to other adults, I got responses like, “I remember when we went to the Redwoods when I was little. How fun!”

To me, the purpose of a road trip is the journey, not THE Destination. Now, I’m all for trips to places. San Diego has been a repeated vacation for us, and we’re planning a tour of the east coast in a couple of years. And my very favorite place in the world is Turkey. But on those kinds of trips, the focus is on getting there, and what you’ll do after you arrive.

So, in an effort to inspire your family to get on the road together this summer, here’s a few photos of the places we went:

Here's the headwaters of the Sacramento River. Yes, coming straight out of the mountain in about 5 spots. How often do you get to see that? Nathan filled up his water bottle. The water was so fresh and sweet.

Apparently, there must have been something in the chips and salsa they had just eaten at the restaurant next to the Sasquatch museum. Maybe they've got gold fever after coming out of that mine.

We took a long hike on some railroad tracks to this hidden waterfall. The cold water felt so good on our feet and faces. We also hiked to the cave behind another waterfall, where Black Bart had hid before a stagecoach robbery.

We spent two days in the Coastal Redwoods, hiking and tramping around. My kids all commented that all the ferns and giant trees reminded them of the planet Endor from Star Wars, and they kept trying to find what they thought was the actual filming location.

Banana slug hunting was a huge hit. We couldn't find any until just before we left the forest.

The Sea Lion Caves in Florence, Oregon are home to hundreds of sea lions, and is the biggest sea cave in the world. But, boy, was it stinky!

Where would you love to take your children on a road trip? What are your favorite road trips from your childhood? Leave a comment and let us all know. Maybe your memories will inspire a family to get in the car together this summer, even for a day or two.

-posted by Miss Analiisa, who says that yes, Legoland is fun. But the meadow full elk, or the group of redwoods growing into a cathedral spire, and the close-up view of Mt. Shasta are things that bring wonder and appreciation for the world, and that blows Legoland away.