It had been a frustrating morning of sibling squabbling, mean words and general not-niceness toward one another, and I was desperate to find a way to foster some kindness between the kids.

Since they (like most kids) love building anything, there were ample building toys available.  Frazzled and desperate, I grabbed the closest materials at hand…those life size cardboard blocks that are generally red, blue and yellow and look like bricks.  (But any building blocks would work for this activity.)

“Let’s build something!” I said.

“Great!” responded my children, in unison for the first time that day.

“In order to get the materials you need to build your towers–” I began…

“I’m building a parking garage” interrupted one child.

“…as I was saying, in order to build whatever it is you’re going to build, you have to earn your bricks by saying something you like or love about your sister and brother.”

Blank stares.

“Kevin, tell me something nice about Adrienne.”

Tick tock. Tick tock.

“Kevin, what is something you like about Adrienne?”

Slowly, quietly, looking at me, he uttered, “Adrienne, I like that you comfort me when I’m scared at night.”

“Not bad,” I thought as I handed him a brick. “Good job…can you say that again, this time to your sister, not me?”

He obliged and his sister gave a smile and responded, “Well, that’s okay Kevin coz I’m just brave and you’re scared.” (Mental note, work on teaching kids to be graceful when accepting a compliment…but one lesson at a time.)

“Ok,” I interjected.  “Now it’s your turn, Adrienne.  What is something you like about Kevin?”

Well, I’ll let you fill in the rest of the scene.  It took about a half an hour, but it was sure fun.  For each compliment, they received a brick to add to their building.  The kids got more creative (and more sincere) with every few comments.  I had to assist them a little with some things, as they tended to say the same comments just in different ways (for example, Kevin stated about four times that he liked that Adrienne helped him not be scared at night) so if they got stuck I helped out by giving ideas such as, “Adrienne, do you remember if Kevin did something good at his soccer game the other day?”

When Adrienne made an especially nice and sincere comment about Kevin, I rewarded her with two bricks; that “change” added an element of surprise to the game.

You can take this lesson a step further if you desire, and actually “wreck” their building when they’re done. Tearing down what they just worked so hard to build really illustrates that one thoughtless or mean comment can destroy something so easily.  It gives them a visual that they can grasp. But be warned, this can also trigger a slew of tears from little ones who are proud of what they just built.  So, choose the right moment to use the “tearing down” version of the game.

There you have it! Next time you’ve had it with your kids bickering, insulting and fighting, get out the bricks and teach them to use their words to build, not destroy.

-posted by Donna Venning, who thinks building others up with kind words is something we can all work on. Say three kind things to your spouse today!

We started a new tradition in our home last July when my daughter was 12 months…Play Dates.  We experienced this new first with many other families last year as we traveled to Soundbridge for a morning immersing in the musical fun and exploration only Kindermusik can provide.

My daughter, a Kindermusik veteran since the womb, had a blast!   She sang, danced and socialized with the other children in class as if they were familiar friends.  The magic of the class was so great that to this day, one year later, her favorite book and CD she received from her time with Teacher Aaron is still her personal favorite.  As a Kindermusik mom going on 5.5 years and a Kindermusik Educator, I have a lot of CD’s and books in my house yet, she continually wants to read and sing her Play Dates favorite.

Following our musical adventure with Teacher Aaron, my daughter with much glee explored Soundbridge. What an amazing place!  Children of any age are encouraged to play with instruments and make as much joyful noise as they please!  The xylophone and keyboard were her personal favorites.

For $15, it was truly a bargain.  Not only did we get a 45 minute Kindermusik class, 30 minutes to explore Soundbridge, 15 minutes of musical story time, but also a book and CD so the memories and fun could continue in the car, at home, at grandma’s and so many more places!

You can check out our Play Dates featured for this July, and even register online.  Even if you do not live in Seattle, I guarantee it is worth the trip to downtown. You can even make a Seattle day of it!  Pikes Place Market is just around the corner, as well as the Seattle Aquarium; or hop on over to the zoo to round out the afternoon.

-posted by Miss Jesikah, who is looking forward to a new magical experience with Teacher Aaron this July in “Tub Tunes”, one of the Play Dates featuring ducks and bubbles.

Although I have a minor in Spanish and family that lives in France, I’m always up for exploring a new country and culture.   Learning a new language can be challenging, but it is always a lot of fun when you add songs and games!    Singing helps memory, listening skills, language acquisition and solidifies new vocabulary.

We all have a natural rhythm when we talk, so like music, our speech pattern has a beat and a tempo. Singing in a different language can help learn how a language flows.  Our brains are fully engaged and stimulated when we sing and move to music, which in turn activates both sides of the brain.

Songs in other languages not only promote that specific language, but also gives insight into those cultures.  Singing in a group setting helps build confidence that is needed to carry on day to day conversations.

We get to experience music from all over the world in our classes, so adding songs from around the world at home is a breeze!  In this June’s World Traveler camp, we took a “trip” to Japan to learn a fun song about Panda, Usagi, Koala (usagi is Japanese for rabbit). See – you already know the “foreign” words panda and koala!  The children had such a great time learning the song and it was made all the more fun by singing it faster and faster!

Domo arigato to all the children who helped make this a song one of my favorites!  Enjoy!

-posted by Miss Beth, who enjoys singing and dancing to music from all over the world.

I recently read an article by this title in a magazine. It was comforting to be reminded that perfect parenting is a myth. Don’t many of us struggle with perfectionism?  Perfectionism has stolen lots of contentment and joy from my journey as a parent and caused much needless anxiety.

Parental perfectionism is a distortion of a healthy desire. A fierce love for my children propels me to have high standards regarding my performance as their mom.  That is normal and good.  But just like a tiny drop of red food coloring permeates a whole glass of liquid, a dose of perfectionism can taint my parenting experience.

As a new parent, I read everything I could on parenting. I was chock full of high ideals—the best scenarios regarding eating, sleeping, teething, playing…  I had lots of faith in experts and little faith in my ability to think and decide what was best for my children. For experts, things seemed so black and white.  In my home, life never fit into the scenarios described in books.  The perfect parent in my mind was like a nightmare housemother, constantly peering over my shoulder, criticizing, threatening, and berating.

It took me a few years to kick her out for good.  The process went something like this:  Get completely tired and discouraged, talk to my friends for perspective and encouragement, talk to some mom mentors, read less parenting books because of being too tired, start to trust my own capacity to make decisions about my children, keep talking to friends, begin to develop confidence as a mom.  Growing in my faith was a big part of the journey too!

If you are feeling beat up by perfect parent perfectionism, here are a few suggestions:

Work at balance. Life is not all good or all bad; it is a mix of both. A normal day has elements of both. That is reality.  I can celebrate the good parts and accept when the day didn’t go as I’d hoped, or I wasn’t the mom I’d like to be.  When I give myself grace to have good and bad moments, I’m better at extending that grace to my family members!

Recognize trouble spots. Anger was a trouble spot for me because perfectionism breeds anger. I found that I had anger towards my children because it seemed like I couldn’t please them when in reality I couldn’t live up to my impossible vision of a perfect mother. Other trouble spots can be obsessive house cleaning, withdrawal into fantasy novels, too much TV, depression.  Anything that is out of balance needs to be flagged as a trouble spot.

Find resources for help. Once I recognized my trouble spot, I began to get help.  For me, finding a mentor helped.  I talked things out with this trusted person.  This experienced mom helped me recognize my unrealistic expectations, which was the first step decoding the anger I felt. Other resources for trouble spots can be topical books, your own parents, doctors, conferences and our faith communities.  The prerequisite for finding help is often getting desperate enough to be humble and ask!

Ask your children for forgiveness.  This was the most peace-giving breakthrough for me. It broke through the perfectionism for good as I realigned myself as a fellow traveler in life with my children versus being the perfect person to my children. The first time I asked my kids to forgive me and to pray for me was amazing. As always, children are ready to forgive and comfort.  They have now seen me grow and change in areas of weakness.  Now I have modeled to them how to handle a weak area, which they will encounter too.  In admitting my weakness, I have taught my children more than I could be seeming to be perfect.

I’m learning that being a perfect parent is a pernicious myth. I can’t be one. My spouse can’t be one.  My children never will be either. I’m learning that perfectionism promotes a lie. Life is good and bad, wonderful and terrible at times. We have both strengths and weaknesses and so do our children. That is a balanced, healthy perspective. And healthy parenting involves embracing this reality and living honestly, courageously, freely and adventurously as we walk alongside our kids in community.

-posted by Donna Detweiler, who is learning that embracing “messy life” is way more fun than pursuing “perfect life”.

My older two were working on schoolwork at the table.  Desperate to be like his older siblings, The Little Mister gave me a few grunts and signs indicating he wanted into his high chair.  I put him in and handed him some paper and a brown marker. I mean, how much damage can he do when he’s in a high chair? (Note: he’s already been banned from having markers anywhere else in the house).

I walked over to the fridge to pull out some ingredients and get a head start on dinner.  In the time it took me to do that, The Little Mister disappeared and The Naughty Magnet emerged.  It’s kind of like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; it’s just a transformation that he somehow goes through.

The thing about The Naughty Magnet is that it’s hard to get upset at him.  I mean, I’m not naïve when it comes to children and disobedience.  After all, I have two other children and I was a less-than-compliant child myself once.  And I’m all for discipline. But when he’s in Naughty Magnet mode, it’s not necessarily disobedience.  The child attracts naughtiness like honey attracts bees.  For example, he can just walk by my utensil cabinet and the one tool he’s not allowed to touch (my meat mallet) jumps out of the drawer and into his hand.  It just happens.  Seriously. 

Anyway, so there I was, head in the fridge looking for the ground turkey.  I turned around to put it on the counter and glanced at The Little Mister.  But in his seat sits The Naughty Magnet, looking like he’d just walked out of our local tattoo parlor and proud of it. See the photo for proof of what The Naughty Magnet can do with 15 seconds and a brown marker. And yes, it just so happens that we were scheduled for our annual family photo just two days later.

Another day I’d sent the kids outside for “recess.”  My desk is right by the sliding doors and looks into the yard so that I can work and watch them at the same time.  I was happily catching up on some emails while the kids played.  The Little Mister was happily playing trucks on the other side of the yard.  The washing machine buzzed and I went into the next room to move laundry into the dryer.  I walked back into the room and The Naughty Magnet, cleverly disguised as The Little Mister, was sitting sweetly in a chair, smiling and waving as I walked in.  “Isn’t that cute,” I thought to myself.  “He must have gotten tired of playin…”

That’s when I saw the pile, yes, pile of wet, sandy dirt and an empty bucket tossed casually next to it, on the floor between my desk and the chair where he sat rocking.  His smile said “What?  Isn’t that where we keep our extra dirt?”  All I could think was “How did he get that bucket in the time it took me to move the clothes? He wasn’t even digging when I got up from my desk.”

What’s a mom going to do when these things happen?  Naughty Magnet or not, there are going to be things that just go crazy in a matter of seconds. Kids get dirty.  Kids act naughty.  Discipline is necessary, and an important part of child training, but perhaps the most important thing is a good, calm attitude.  Going ballistic, screaming, and yelling will only teach your children a bad habit-a habit of anger. 

I’m not saying to ignore naughty behavior.  I’m saying to control your response. You are the parent. Acknowledge that things like marker on body parts and sand on carpets happen.  Handle and respond to the situation in an appropriate and mature manner because you are training your child by your responses.  Child training happens through repetitive teaching and modeling of proper behavior.  Overreacting or “freaking out” will teach behavior that, when your child repeats it, you will find unattractive, undesirable and perhaps even embarrassing. 

Someday The Naughty Magnet will grow into a young man, and I want the pleasure of seeing one who is in control of his responses and anger, not one who, by observing his mother, learned to yell and shout over life’s messy accidents.  And what’s more, today’s frustrating events are the stuff of tomorrow’s funny stories.  Yes, one day you, too, will be able to laugh about dirt on the carpet.

-posted by Donna Venning, who is seriously considering buying stock in a cleaning products company, as she anticipates keeping them in business for years to come.

After nine years in our home, we are getting ready for a move.  I just heard some of you groan because you know all too well what this means. The disruption of life that comes with showing a home. The garage stuffed with boxes.  Millions of decisions about what the keep and what to get rid of.  And of course the question, “What box did I put that thing in?!”

But let’s talk about the positive side.  I’m discovering there are some unexpected benefits that come with getting a house ready to move, benefits that can be applied to anyone, moving or not!

When our house went on the market this month, I learned about staging a home to sell.  Staging a home means getting it to look like nobody in particular lives there.  All photos come down so that buyers can envision their photos up.  Any distinctive art that a buyer with different taste may dislike goes under a bed. Bookshelves have just a few books and knick knacks instead of the usual overflow.  Bedrooms are emptied except for a tastefully placed item such as a toy or stuffed animal in the pink room.

While this process has taken lots of time and energy, not only does our home look better than ever, but life in our home feels better than ever. There is margin everywhere.  Space on the bookshelves.  Space in the closets.  Space in the cabinets.  Space on the counter.  Space next to my computer.  Even space in the pencil jar.  The best way I can summarize it is that I have felt lightness and accompanying joy from having less stuff around.

One of the most stuffed rooms in the house was my daughter’s.  It took 4 hours to pack her collection of animals, Littlest Pet Shops, games, dolls, knick knacks and a pile of other junk.  You could have easily opened a small toy store with our inventory.  The quantity was almost embarrassing.  We kept out a few play things that could fit easily into her empty closet and a drawer.

The stripping of her room has caused no complaints.  She has been content and her level of creative play has increased.  Yesterday she and her brother made hand sewn vests, sleeping bags and pillows for their stuffed animals from scraps of fabric and my button collection.  I sense she feels less overwhelmed by stuff too.

Like many of us, I have been trying to get rid of stuff for years.  But it seems to take the pressure of a move to get it to the top of the priority list and to force the decision making necessary to cull out unnecessary and sentimental keepsakes.  I knew that I wanted more physical and emotional space in my living environment. Now I know how worthy a goal that was.  And I don’t plan to put all that stuff back in our new home either!

If you’ve been longing for more peace and order in your home, pretend you are moving this summer and strip down your stuff.  Kids actually think this is lots of fun. The changed look of a cleaner room or house invigorates everyone, and summer is a great time to make a few bucks from your stuff by having a garage sale!

-posted by Donna Detweiler, whose sister recently reminded her that S.T.U.F.F. equals Something That Undermines Family Fun.