I am a commentator for BamRadio Network, the largest education radio network in the world. I recently participated in an interesting discussion on children and conflict.

Conflict occurs because we are all different. It’s true for both children and adults. Think about it. I think we should leave on our road trip at 8:00am, and my husband Karl says we should leave at 6:00am. My experience tells me the kids will be cranky (me, too!) if we have to wake them up to go. Karl’s point of view says that not getting caught in rush hour traffic is vital. We have different perspectives, and that creates conflict.

The same thing is true for children. Their outlook on the world is even smaller, and more ego-centric than grownups, which make them more likely to outright fight.

It is NOT your job to keep everything peaceful, and everybody happy. You can’t. However, it is your job to allow those episodes of conflict to become skill-building moments in the area of problem solving.

Here’s how:
There are phrases we all use (they often come from our own childhood) that are ineffective with children, and don’t help them solve the problem. Be nice. You need to say you are sorry. Let’s all share. You should play with Kimmy. (Sound familiar?) As much as you want to make your child say they are sorry (and yes, apologizing is important), you can’t force them to do so, anymore than you can compel them to play with a particular child. So, recognize your phrases and where they came from!

Children are concrete and specific, so we need to be, too. Don’t ask the why questions like “Why did you hit him?” That is abstract, and not how children think. You aren’t going to get an answer. Instead, ask what questions: “What is the problem?” Mark will tell you, “I want the boat”. Mark doesn’t know how to get the boat, so he uses what he knows will work – he’ll just reach over and grab it.

Now that you know what the problem is, you’ll need to validate and help them name feelings. Sometimes the very little ones (toddlers) don’t have the words, so you can help. But only if they need it! “Maddy, are you mad at Mark for taking your boat?” “I see that you are sad.” Sometimes your children’s feelings may not seem logical to you, but they are very real and logical to them! Allow them space to be mad, frustrated or to cry.

Once the children are calm (And this is important, because problem solving cannot happen when emotions are running wild. Think about it – do you find good solutions when you are hopping mad? I don’t.), then you can ask more “what” questions. What are your ideas to solve this problem? Children are remarkably brilliant at coming up with solutions. It may take a few minutes, so give them the space and time they need to figure it out.

Don’t solve the problem for them. Encourage them to devise their own solutions. Don’t offer suggestions to preschoolers. Their solution may not be the same as one you would have come up with, but that’s okay.

Toddlers may need some more questions to help them explain their behavior. Did you want the boat because it is red? (Remember not to ask why!) What if Maddy and you and I went and looked for another red boat you can play with? The toddlers Mark and Maddy may not like your first idea, but you are modeling the process of conflict resolution. So try again.

Once they’ve come up with an idea, they are much more likely to own it and stick to the solution.

On a side note, I will tell you that as my children get older, I don’t step into the middle of their conflicts very often. Many times they will resolve the problem better without my help. And I don’t have to be stuck in the middle.

In the end, conflict resolution is a foundational skill that enables our children to become confident, successful at school and work, and competent at negotiation and cooperation.

You can listen to this podcast in its entirety here.

-posted by Miss Analiisa, who reports that we ended up leaving on our road trip somewhere around 9:30am, and encountered neither traffic nor cranky children.

Every evening with good weather creates a predictable scene in our neighborhood.  About 5pm, the kids start pouring out of their homes with balls, bats, light sabers and Pokémon cards in tow.  They all gather in front of my place for 1-1.5 hours of fun before being called in for dinner.

My boys are finally old enough to run out and join the kids without constant adult supervision.  Although I can see them and hear them, I still struggled with letting them go. I soon found that I know exactly what is happening, as they and many of the other kids have pulled me into the not-so-pleasant side of childhood playtime.

As I am the closest adult, I soon realized that I was somehow involuntarily nominated as the playground monitor.  While all the other parents were happily making dinner without interruption, I was making dinner while mediating all the squabbles.  I began seriously resenting 5pm. As soon as I resolved one problem, another would appear on my porch.

One day, after attempting to make a simple dinner for 1.5 hours (no joke) I finally gave up the idea and gathered the neighborhood kids around me.  I asked when they thought tattling was ok.  They said, “when someone hurts you, isn’t playing fairly, not letting me have a turn”.  Sound familiar?  I agreed with each of them that those are indeed difficult situations, and it is easier to talk to someone else than to the person who hurts us.

In my home I have a no tattling policy. My kids, of course, still tattle, but I continue to turn them toward each other to talk.  They need to learn to work it out.  They eventually will grow up, have their own lives, their own jobs and hopefully their own families.  Conflict management is a huge part of what we do each and every day.

When one of my children declares that their brother hurt their feelings I always respond, “I’m sorry your feelings are hurt.  Did you talk to your brother about it?”  The answer is usually, “no”.  I then remind them that they can “tell on their brother” only if he refuses to listen to you and you are unable to work out a solution.

I try not to intervene, as I know they need to learn this important life skill.  Believe me, I have my “I can’t take it anymore moments” and become the peace keeper, but I too am learning the benefits of allowing them to figure out a solution for themselves. If only Jedi mind tricks really worked!  I could slowly wave my hand in front of them and say “you will get along, you will always play nicely, you will always share, you will….”

While the neighborhood kids were still all gathered I told them that I was honored that they trust me to help them work their fights out, but since they are all old enough to know what is right, appropriate and expected behavior that they are also old enough to work out their problems with each other.  I then laid out my “no tattling policy”:

• You may come and tell if someone is purposefully harming you. Accidents hurt, but are not tattle-worthy.
• You may come and tell if someone is purposefully harming themselves…like waiting too long on purpose to move out of the way when a car approaches (yes, some of the neighborhood kids have tried to see if they can use The Force to stop a moving vehicle).
• You may come and tell if someone is doing something or talking about something completely inappropriate. Such as, it is completely rude (and inappropriate) to knock on people’s doors and hide as a trick.
• You may come and tell if you tried to work out a solution but are still disagreeing and need a little extra help. Even grown-ups need arbitrators at times.
• “Tattling” is to protect and preserve, not to harm or to try and get another in trouble as payback.

-posted by Miss Jesikah, who is finally winning the war on 5pm, although she still thinks being able to use Jedi mind tricks would speed up the process.

Welcome back!  If you’ve missed parts 1 and 2 of this ongoing blog, we’ve been talking about ideas for managing your mornings.  We’ve looked at how to get out of the house easier and some breakfast tips.  Today we’ll take a look at schedules, routines and letting go (also called delegating).

Have a routine but not a schedule.
I learned this important difference from a website called Homemaking with TEACH.   Lorrie Flem, the founder of the site, has numerous books and audios on managing your home and family.  One of her ebooks talks about the difference between a schedule and a routine.  Learning this lightened my load tremendously.  A schedule is time-driven, like this:

8:00 – eat breakfast
8:20 – do breakfast dishes
8:30 – get dressed and brush teeth
8:45 – read a book
9:00 -  etc, etc.

A routine looks like this: we get up in the morning, eat breakfast. Then we do the dishes.  Next we get dressed and brush our teeth.  Then we sit and read a book…you get the idea. It’s not clock-driven.  Lorrie, the mother of eight, shares that until kids are approximately seven years old, they really  need routine more than schedule.   When I realized that my schedule was what was causing me stress, I was able to relax a little more. Most days having a “routine” instead of a schedule works.

Of course, there are still days (like Kindermusik mornings) that you have to be somewhere by a particular time, so you need to have a rough idea of how much time you need each morning to do certain tasks.  When you have a time you need to leave the house, that’s when you can implement some of the other tips I’ve listed in written about in this blog series (keep things in one spot, have a breakfast plan, etc).  Make protein breakfast bars or on-the-go granola for a simple grab-and-go breakfast.  Don’t plan pancakes for the days you need to leave the house at a particular time and so forth.

When selecting things to do (when creating your schedule), keep your stage of life in mind.  If you have a toddler who still naps, don’t make plans for 10:30 when your toddler usually naps at 11:00.  But do try to keep your routine as consistent as possible.  It’s only for a short time and your child will be happier for it.

Here's Adrienne; I think you don't need further explanation!

Teach kids to handle what they can; let things go.
Allow your kids to participate in your morning routine to the best of their ability. My daughter was dressing herself at 18 months (sounds unbelievable but it’s true). She could do her own tights before she was two.  Her clothes never matched, but it was one less thing I had to do in the morning, so I let it go.

I’m not saying not to make your kids clothes match: if matching clothes is important to you, then that’s not the task to “let go.” But weigh the options: if you can let it go, go for it.  After all, three year olds in mismatched clothes are seen as cute and adorable!

Other examples of tasks you could delegate would be: have an older child be responsible for putting a younger sibling’s coat and/or shoes on.  Teach your children how to make their beds when the get up in the morning.  Kids, especially toddlers and preschoolers, love to be involved in Mommy Work.  Take advantage of this.

Have your four year old set the table for breakfast.  Have a six year old make the toast.  Teach a three year old (even some two year olds) how to unload the dishwasher.  You get the idea. Remember that your kids are far more capable than you realize they are.  They want responsibility and will be eager to join with you.

Take the time to train them (training implies that you show them repeatedly and have them practice repeatedly until they are competent).  One thing I do with my kids when teaching a new skill is a seven-day training program.  When they are old enough for a task, I work with them for an entire week on the chore.  For example, around 3-1/2 they are old enough to wipe the bathroom sink after brushing their teeth.  Take a few days to do it for them, having them watch.  Then have them do it for a few days while you watch. Coach and encourage and praise them while they do it.  After a week of doing this together, you will probably be able to walk away from this task!

Your child might not do the task as well as you would (remember Adrienne’s mismatched clothes), but the freedom of having a task delegated out can make your mornings so much less chaotic!

-posted by Donna Venning, who wishes mismatched clothes at any age could be seen as cute and adorable, but sadly, knows that’s not the case.

Our family has developed a toy collection that spans several age groups. I’m so glad that I still have the Playskool garage, Duplos, Loving Family doll set and Bob the Builder tent that my children seemed to have outgrown.

Why? Because children will rediscover certain toys when they reach different developmental stages!  With their brain and body awakened in new ways, an old toy stimulates them in a different manner.

Look at this Duplo creation!

I stumbled onto this principle because I was so overwhelmed with little ones that the intended garage sales didn’t happen, so stuff stayed around. After the blocks had been stashed away for a time, they were rediscovered.  My elementary age children combined them with their plastic menagerie and created an elaborate zoo. The Duplos that had given way to Legos, recently came out again. The coffee table became an imaginatively constructed airport with multiple planes, a landing strip, and terminal complete with coffee cart!

My daughter never played much with her doll house.  Because I liked it, I kept building her set, hoping her interest would spark. Eventually I faced the truth and gave away the cumbersome plastic house that took up way too much closet space anyway. I kept all the furniture and dolls, justifying it by assigning them “classic toy” status.  Much to my surprise, the box was rediscovered and Katie has played with them enthusiastically without the house, setting up the furniture under chairs or the coffee table, integrating her vet clinic set to expand the community.

I’ve had to fight to keep some toys in storage because they take up coveted garage space. My husband understandably threatens to pitch them, but I’m glad I persevered!  Long after my children passed the Bob the Builder age, I kept the pop up tent with his image plastered on the side.  Over the years, that tent has provided fodder for so much creative indoor and outdoor play; pretend camping trips, a bunny house, and bedroom hideaways.

As you’re trying to decide which toys are worth holding onto, a couple of categories come to mind.

Open play toys: These are the toys like blocks, Duplos, erector sets, Lincoln Logs, train sets.  They grow with children because they only facilitate their imagination.

Classic toys: A variety of games can continue to interest children from age 6 on.  Sorry, Chinese checkers, Mexican Train Dominoes, and Othello.  My kids tend to like the board games that I remember playing with as a child. I also save some Playskool sets, Thomas the Train, Playmobile, Polly Pocket, Spy Gear, Barbies. Depending on your kids’ interest and your storage capacity, a sampling can be fun to rediscover over the years.

Beloved toys: Even thought they may lose interest in their favorite dolly or Light Saber, if they logged tons of time playing with it, put it aside, even if only to allow them the joy of sharing it with their children someday.

I was acquainted with a mom whose daughter one day said, “I don’t like dolls anymore.”  At her request, the mom promptly got rid of all of her dolls.  The mom should have interpreted the above statement, “I don’t like dolls right now.” Kids change and grow.  They explore and test.  Our job is to create a space in which that wonderful process of development can take place.  Toys are their tools, so don’t clear out the old stuff too soon.

-posted by Donna Detweiler, who realizes that families with children that span several years often see their older kids play creatively with their younger siblings’ toys.

Whenever there was something momentous coming up in our family life our boys would harass us with the questions of when it was coming… When will Christmas be here?  When are Grandma and Bop coming to visit?  When do we leave for Denver? When is my birthday? 

It’s difficult to explain time to a young child.  I can remember answering their questions with a specific amount of time- “Grandma is coming in three months” only to have them ask “when is three months?”  Finally, I stumbled across a way to describe time to them in a way that they could comprehend.  “Before Grandma comes we will have Easter, then the leaves will come out on the trees.  The rhodies will bloom in the front yard, and the leaves on the trees will get really big.  Nathaniel will have his birthday and then Grandma will be here”. (That translates to Grandma is coming in late June.)

I call this a time map.  I would actually draw these events out on a piece of paper and cross them off as a way to track time for my boys.   If I choose to list events that would actually occur on specific days on the calendar I could place stickers on the correct squares and cross those off when they occurred.  It didn’t necessarily eliminate the questions about when something was going to happen, but it did at least give me a way to talk to them about a concept that was so beyond their understanding.

I found this worked well for the day-to-day “when” questions, too.  “When will Daddy be home?”  First we have to have lunch, and then we’ll play outside in the rain.  We’ll have a story and a nap.  When you wake up we’ll have a snack and play inside.  Then Daddy will be home.” 

I found that when I described time for my children in this way, they were less stressed and anxious about the future.  Not only did they know when Grandma was coming, but they knew when a whole bunch of other things were going to happen too, and in what order those events would happen.  They could understand time based on the order those events would happen.  And not only that, they were learning to sequence.          

When they took Kindergarten readiness tests one of the activities was a series of cards that told a story- like making a garden.  Each card showed one step in the sequence.  The child was required to put the cards in the proper order – turn the soil, plant the seeds, water the seeds, weed the patch and pick the blooms.  

My boys totally aced this test.  They understood sequencing. Their whole lives had been sequenced by events they could see and understand in order to alleviate the endless questions that made me nuts.  Who knew my solution to the fact that children can’t tell time or read a calendar would give them a leg up in the task of understanding how things work in our world?  

-posted by Miss Allison, who reminds you that after all… There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1

Did you know there was a link between your child’s Kindermusik experience and his potential ability to read a map? It’s true….Though spatial awareness is a skill that usually comes naturally for most children, it is certainly a skill that parents can do much to promote. Using Kindermusik to encourage the development of spatial awareness is a natural choice.

Spatial awareness can be defined as: an awareness of the body in space, and the child’s relationship to the objects in the space. This can include spatial orientation, which is the skill that allows them to understand and comply with simple requests such as: “line up at the door” or “sit in a circle.”

Doing the Hokey Pokey in Kenya!

Spatial awareness is also linguistic. The understanding of the positional words people use to define themselves in space is essential to spatial awareness. “I am underneath the bridge….I am behind the tree.” You get the picture.

Next time you are in your Kindermusik class, check out the movement chart on the wall and notice how many of the words are directional or relational. Hoop play is one of the many activities in Kindermusik designed to promote spatial awareness…I am in the hoop, outside the hoop, beside the hoop, in front of the hoop. Another well-loved favorite is the “Hokey-Pokey” …“you put your right arm in, you take your right arm out, you put your right arm in, and you shake it all about…”

Our Time’s “Zoom-E-Oh” which demonstrates up/down, high/low, in/out, away/together, etc. Songs like these and activities like hoop play are allowing your child to learn to organize the available space in relation to themselves and in relationship to objects and other individuals.

In addition to spatial awareness, they are learning things like body parts, rhythm patterns, and a sense of direction. Spatial concepts learned through movement and exploration simultaneously develop muscle strength, coordination, self-confidence, and thinking skills. Spatial awareness helps you distinguish between words on this page and see the letters in correct relation to each other.

Which brings us to the initial question: what is the link between your child’s Kindermusik experience and his ability to read a map? Studies show that the development of spatial orientation leads to increased understanding of location and direction and even eventually the ability to understand and read a map – the point being that spatial awareness or a lack thereof has a direct impact on everyday skills that make a practical difference in our ability to navigate through life.

This same ability applies to reading and writing music on the staff, swinging a golf club, lobbing a tennis ball over the net, heading a soccer ball into the goal, or sending a baseball over the fence.

So…what if the Hokey-Pokey is what it’s all about? Well….in some respects, it is!

­-posted by Studio3Music, with thanks to contributor Theresa Case, our friend and Kindermusik Educator from Greenville, SC.