Great Ideas for Parenting Toddlers: Planting Seeds of Self Control

Barbara Curtis’ book, Small Beginnings: First Steps to Prepare your Child for Lifelong Learning has surprised me.  I’ve found her parenting concepts applicable to toddlers, older children and me!  In my last few blogs I’ve covered how to develop healthy independence and order in our children. Because modeling is such an important tool for teaching these traits, guess who is learning to perform her own tasks more carefully?  Guess who is putting some basic systems in place so that she can teach order to her children? Barbara’s book contains lots of gems for parents.  Today’s chapter on the development of self-control is worth the price of the book!

Barbara begins by challenging the assumption that we shouldn’t expect our children to have self-control at a young age.  America expects much less of children than other cultures, Barbara argues. We allow children to be undisciplined, loud or naughty at times because that’s what we expect. Because people generally rise to the level of the expectations of those above them, our expectations for our children help them develop self-control or hold them back.

Our healthy expectations can actually help our children become the best they can be by charting a path for them to follow. How do we do this?  Not by having narrow ideas about who we think they should become, or preconceived ideas about their capabilities or limitations.  But rather, our expectations should focus on development of their character, including self-control, which will help them to succeed in whatever discipline they choose later in life.

Toddlerhood contains the “sensitive period” for developing self-control, Barbara explains.  The foundation for self-control is laid by giving children opportunity to succeed at simple self-control exercises until they are ready for harder ones. For example, when going to the grocery store, we tell our child exactly what behavior we expect and we help them succeed. 

“Today at the grocery store, I expect you to sit in the cart without trying to get out while Mommy shops.  You may use your hands to point to things to show me and to play with your toy.  We’ll stop for a cookie at the bakery when you sit in the cart the whole time without trying to get out.  I know you can do it!”

Then we praise and reinforce that self-control, making sure that we don’t proceed to shop for longer than they have the capacity to sit still. After they are successful at being “the boss of their body” for 10 minutes, then up it to 20 minutes and so on.  The goal is for the child to be self-governing rather than needing to be kept in line moment to moment by adults.  When we clearly express our expectations, our children know exactly how to succeed, which they want to do! 

Barbara adds a couple cautions:  We need to avoid developing the appearance of self-control that is actually based on fear of punishment.  Our motives are key here; if our real goal is to control our child, we’ll see resistance. However, if we want to see self-governing develop, our attitude will reflect our more selfless orientation. We’ll have more patience and persistence because we are empowered by knowing it’s in our child’s best interest to learn these skills.

Also, we need to avoid discouraging our child by having expectations that are too high, or developmentally inappropriate.  The antidote to this is observation. Our child is an individual and constantly changing, so our expectations need to be based on this sensitivity to their individuality.  We need to work at observation to know what self-control steps they are ready for.

How can we begin to teach self-control? Simple, fun exercises can begin to teach children how to be “the boss of their own bodies.”  Barbara suggests taping a masking tape line on the floor—or you can use a balance beam.  As the child tries to walk on this narrow line, he learns how to use careful, thoughtful movement.  When he gains mastery of this simple self-control task, his confidence grows.  Now he is ready to try to walk on the line holding a bell, without ringing it. This is great learning and great fun. Barbara’s book contains many more exercise ideas in the last chapter.

As kids mature, they can learn to extend that self-control to other areas—their use of language, how they treat others, their thought life, etc.  Can you see how teaching self-control plants the seeds of responsibility, integrity, self-government, and self esteem?  We can lay the foundation now for self-control by having proper expectations for our children’s ability to control themselves and patiently pursuing those goals. 

-posted by Donna Detweiler, who now recognizes that not expecting her children to control themselves when they are capable does them a disservice!