The Great 5 pm Battle

Every evening with good weather creates a predictable scene in our neighborhood.  About 5pm, the kids start pouring out of their homes with balls, bats, light sabers and Pokémon cards in tow.  They all gather in front of my place for 1-1.5 hours of fun before being called in for dinner.

My boys are finally old enough to run out and join the kids without constant adult supervision.  Although I can see them and hear them, I still struggled with letting them go. I soon found that I know exactly what is happening, as they and many of the other kids have pulled me into the not-so-pleasant side of childhood playtime.

As I am the closest adult, I soon realized that I was somehow involuntarily nominated as the playground monitor.  While all the other parents were happily making dinner without interruption, I was making dinner while mediating all the squabbles.  I began seriously resenting 5pm. As soon as I resolved one problem, another would appear on my porch.

One day, after attempting to make a simple dinner for 1.5 hours (no joke) I finally gave up the idea and gathered the neighborhood kids around me.  I asked when they thought tattling was ok.  They said, “when someone hurts you, isn’t playing fairly, not letting me have a turn”.  Sound familiar?  I agreed with each of them that those are indeed difficult situations, and it is easier to talk to someone else than to the person who hurts us.

In my home I have a no tattling policy. My kids, of course, still tattle, but I continue to turn them toward each other to talk.  They need to learn to work it out.  They eventually will grow up, have their own lives, their own jobs and hopefully their own families.  Conflict management is a huge part of what we do each and every day.

When one of my children declares that their brother hurt their feelings I always respond, “I’m sorry your feelings are hurt.  Did you talk to your brother about it?”  The answer is usually, “no”.  I then remind them that they can “tell on their brother” only if he refuses to listen to you and you are unable to work out a solution.

I try not to intervene, as I know they need to learn this important life skill.  Believe me, I have my “I can’t take it anymore moments” and become the peace keeper, but I too am learning the benefits of allowing them to figure out a solution for themselves. If only Jedi mind tricks really worked!  I could slowly wave my hand in front of them and say “you will get along, you will always play nicely, you will always share, you will….”

While the neighborhood kids were still all gathered I told them that I was honored that they trust me to help them work their fights out, but since they are all old enough to know what is right, appropriate and expected behavior that they are also old enough to work out their problems with each other.  I then laid out my “no tattling policy”:

• You may come and tell if someone is purposefully harming you. Accidents hurt, but are not tattle-worthy.
• You may come and tell if someone is purposefully harming themselves…like waiting too long on purpose to move out of the way when a car approaches (yes, some of the neighborhood kids have tried to see if they can use The Force to stop a moving vehicle).
• You may come and tell if someone is doing something or talking about something completely inappropriate. Such as, it is completely rude (and inappropriate) to knock on people’s doors and hide as a trick.
• You may come and tell if you tried to work out a solution but are still disagreeing and need a little extra help. Even grown-ups need arbitrators at times.
• “Tattling” is to protect and preserve, not to harm or to try and get another in trouble as payback.

-posted by Miss Jesikah, who is finally winning the war on 5pm, although she still thinks being able to use Jedi mind tricks would speed up the process.