Manners—How to Avoid Bugging Each Other

Years ago, my three-year-old was riding home with a benevolent friend of mine who was watching him for the day.  She sneezed, and much to her surprise, a tiny little, “Bless you!” came forth from the back seat.

Manners. They are out of style these days.  Most popular media teaches kids that only nerds care about good manners.  But let’s give manners a second chance.  Manners done well are like the WD-40 on the squeaky doors of life.

Manners done well leave the other person feeling better than, not lesser than the holier-than-thou manners guy.  Manners done well open not simply doors but relationships.  Manners say, “I care about you.” They are the opposite of selfishness. They are all about empathy.

Manners used to be a shared code of conduct in a culture.  Today we’re not really sure what manners are. We’re even a bit afraid that we might offend someone by using them. Guys in particular fear they’ll be accused of chauvinism if they act in a mannerly way.  So when I first read a book on manners to my kids, I found it refreshingly clear, simple and winsome.  I wondered why I had to dust off these concepts like an old fairy tale.

It is obvious that manners don’t come standard with the birth package.  Unfortunately, we all share a trait that does come with the standard birth package:  selfishness.  Conclusion:  If we want our kids to have good manners, we’re going to have to teach them, and then remind them…again and again.

In addition to reading good books on manners, I’ve found role playing is a fun way to teach kids manners.  Kids find it especially hilarious to see an adult acting out the WRONG way to do things. For example, set up the scenario:  A child has been invited over to a friend’s house for dinner. You play the child.  They get to play the parent.

You say, “Oooooh, I don’t like YOUR Macaroni and Cheese. YUCK! My mom makes the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, the cheesiest kind in the blue box.  It’s the best.  I don’t want this. (You shove it away.)

(It’s fun to see how the child playing the parent responds.  You will most likely hear an echo of yourself.)

After you finish putting on your absolute worst show of bad behavior, and after you and your children stop laughing at the silliness, you get to ask them questions like:

Do you think the hosts enjoyed having the child over for dinner?
Whose feelings was I thinking about when I said, “Yuck” about the Mac ‘n Cheese?
Do you think I’ll be invited over again?

Then replay it with good manners.

You can teach hand washing, please and thank you, proper table manners and any other number of scenarios with this fun method.  My kids still remember when I stuck my face in a plate of food in order to teach them to keep their heads up and bring the food to their mouths with their fork, versus lowering their mouths to the food like an animal.  Of course I was prepared to have them stick their faces in their plates a few times just for fun, which they did.  But they got the point and they remember it.

To decide what manners to start with, I’d suggest you make a quick list of kid behaviors that you love and behaviors that make you crazy.  Ask your friends too and you’ll have a good list to work with.  I respond positively to kids who express appreciation.

The library has lots of good books on manners.  I like Manners, by Aliki, published by Mulberry Books.  There is a Barney DVD on Manners that I used. While I know not all of you can stomach it, but my kids soaked up a lot from it.

Teaching my kids good manners is all about giving them the tools for successful relationships. With all the ways people bug each other without trying, why not equip our kids with the bug spray of great manners?

-posted by Donna Detweiler who would like to thank you for reading this blog.