The Surprises of Motherhood

The first night our newborn son was tucked carefully in his blue-bumpered crib, I was overwhelmed with emotion.  While love was top of the list, fear crowded up there too.  My prenatal study of infant care did not fully prepare me for the challenges awaiting a new mother. I had to learn it day by day in the real world.

But wasn’t being a mother considered the easiest job?  Didn’t my girlfriends and I disdain Home Ec classes in high school because we were too smart for that?  How naïve we were!  Contrary to my expectation, I found being a mother and managing my home to be the most difficult job I’d had. In the beginning I was surprised by the significant physical, emotional and social challenges.  Can you relate?

In the physical area, I was most surprised by the intensity of sleep deprivation common to life with an infant. When reasonably well-rested, I could handle a lot; infant crying, diaper blowouts and teething troubles.  But on top of a sleepless night, I struggled to keep an upbeat attitude. My head hurt. My stomach felt slightly sick.  I desperately wanted rest.  And I was still supposed to be a wonderful mommy?  I wryly wondered why terrorists would resort to complicated torture methods when they could simply wake someone up from a sound sleep every 2 hours for weeks on end.

On top of short sleep, motherhood required long hours of physical labor.  I worked out regularly up to delivery, but not all day.  My baby-lifting biceps had to develop. I remember complaining, “Having a baby is like being given a backpack to wear for the rest of your life.”  Not a great attitude that day!  Hauling around baby car seats, strollers, port-a-cribs, diaper bags and lifting an infant in and out of a car seat takes its toll.  At the end of one particularly exhausting day, I counted lifting David in or out of his car seat 17 times!

Being a mother also challenged me emotionally.  I considered myself a pretty unselfish person; then I got married.  When kids came along, another layer of my self-oriented nature was revealed. I did not expect to feel so much frustration, and anger as a mother, which meant I also felt guilt about those negative emotions.  Motherhood has been honing my character since the day I gave birth.

My social life changed radically with an infant.  At work, I used to chat with lots of people daily. When my husband went back to work and I stayed home with our newborn, I felt left behind and lonely. Being home was my choice, but it was so different from my old job. The phone was a lifeline, but not a substitute for my previous buzz of activity. It took months to adjust to a new social rhythm that fit into a baby’s routine.  My life had to take a back seat to the well-being of my child.  Are you seeing a recurring theme here?

Needless to say, as my physical, emotional and social life was adjusting to my new reality; I didn’t feel like a very good mother or wife on many days. During that transition time my wisest friends reminded me that being a good mother is not about how I feel; it’s what I do. Do I continue to act in a loving manner toward my child, care for his needs even when I don’t feel like it?  Yes.  Do I do it perfectly?  No. 

My expectation that I would feel only warm, tender feelings every moment was not realistic.  I also experienced anger, resentment, and frustration.  As my unrealistic expectations were being shattered and correct expectations were forming, my character was being tested and refined.  The physical, emotional and social challenges of motherhood were giving me valuable opportunities to grow—whether I liked them or not!

Some of you are in that phase right now.   May I pass on that encouragement to you?  No matter how you might feel on a given day, love is measured primarily by your actions.  Your physical, emotional and social world are likely strained by motherhood on many days, especially with a newborn.  It’s ok. You’re not supermom.  But you are a good mom and you’re doing your best to nurture your child.  Don’t believe me?  You wouldn’t be reading this article if weren’t!

-posted by Donna Detweiler who wouldn’t trade all the life-refining struggles of motherhood for her old job, even if they gave her a raise!