Our family has developed a toy collection that spans several age groups. I’m so glad that I still have the Playskool garage, Duplos, Loving Family doll set and Bob the Builder tent that my children seemed to have outgrown.

Why? Because children will rediscover certain toys when they reach different developmental stages!  With their brain and body awakened in new ways, an old toy stimulates them in a different manner.

Look at this Duplo creation!

I stumbled onto this principle because I was so overwhelmed with little ones that the intended garage sales didn’t happen, so stuff stayed around. After the blocks had been stashed away for a time, they were rediscovered.  My elementary age children combined them with their plastic menagerie and created an elaborate zoo. The Duplos that had given way to Legos, recently came out again. The coffee table became an imaginatively constructed airport with multiple planes, a landing strip, and terminal complete with coffee cart!

My daughter never played much with her doll house.  Because I liked it, I kept building her set, hoping her interest would spark. Eventually I faced the truth and gave away the cumbersome plastic house that took up way too much closet space anyway. I kept all the furniture and dolls, justifying it by assigning them “classic toy” status.  Much to my surprise, the box was rediscovered and Katie has played with them enthusiastically without the house, setting up the furniture under chairs or the coffee table, integrating her vet clinic set to expand the community.

I’ve had to fight to keep some toys in storage because they take up coveted garage space. My husband understandably threatens to pitch them, but I’m glad I persevered!  Long after my children passed the Bob the Builder age, I kept the pop up tent with his image plastered on the side.  Over the years, that tent has provided fodder for so much creative indoor and outdoor play; pretend camping trips, a bunny house, and bedroom hideaways.

As you’re trying to decide which toys are worth holding onto, a couple of categories come to mind.

Open play toys: These are the toys like blocks, Duplos, erector sets, Lincoln Logs, train sets.  They grow with children because they only facilitate their imagination.

Classic toys: A variety of games can continue to interest children from age 6 on.  Sorry, Chinese checkers, Mexican Train Dominoes, and Othello.  My kids tend to like the board games that I remember playing with as a child. I also save some Playskool sets, Thomas the Train, Playmobile, Polly Pocket, Spy Gear, Barbies. Depending on your kids’ interest and your storage capacity, a sampling can be fun to rediscover over the years.

Beloved toys: Even thought they may lose interest in their favorite dolly or Light Saber, if they logged tons of time playing with it, put it aside, even if only to allow them the joy of sharing it with their children someday.

I was acquainted with a mom whose daughter one day said, “I don’t like dolls anymore.”  At her request, the mom promptly got rid of all of her dolls.  The mom should have interpreted the above statement, “I don’t like dolls right now.” Kids change and grow.  They explore and test.  Our job is to create a space in which that wonderful process of development can take place.  Toys are their tools, so don’t clear out the old stuff too soon.

-posted by Donna Detweiler, who realizes that families with children that span several years often see their older kids play creatively with their younger siblings’ toys.

My mother is visiting from out-of-town. Her visit, which came in conjunction with Mother’s Day, has stirred up memories of the creative influence she and my dad had on my childhood.  For the most part, kids think up imaginary games using everyday places and things. My parents enhanced that process by providing lots of raw materials which helped our imagination to take flight. 

The Trapeze

Here I am on the Trapeze my dad built!

In our playroom, my dad made a trapeze from a wooden dowel rod and nylon rope. He hung the trapeze from the rafters of our playroom ceiling using steel eye hooks screwed into a strong beam. Underneath the trapeze they placed a thick bed mattress.  As a result of that trapeze, I spend much of my early childhood upside down.  Many circus acts were performed, often accompanied by make believe clowns, marching bands and animal acts.

The Dress Up Barrel
Many of our imaginative games were enhanced by the contents of the magical “dress-up barrel.”  In the cavern of this barrel (4 ft. high x 3 ft. in diameter) was a collection of musty smelling, beloved treasures; old dresses, shoes, purses, petticoats, hats, wigs, glasses, necklaces, leis, old New Year’s Eve hats, overalls, vampire teeth. We dug into the barrel to become doctors, nurses, fashion models, clowns, cowboys, Indians, witches etc.  It seemed as though fabulous stuff just grew in the bottom of that thing and showed up.  Whatever we needed we knew we would find if we just dug far enough down in there.  And yes, you could fall in or hide there, which probably contributed to its unique smell that I remember to this day!

The Puppet Stage
This versatile play prop was made of 3 lightweight boards about 4 ft. x 2 ½ ft. hinged together. Picture a box with one out of 4 sides missing; two side panels stood perpendicular to the center “stage” panel, which allowed it to stand on its own.  A curtained opening was cut out of the top half and a 4 in. hinged platform attached for the   puppets to rest on.  The sides and bottom were chalk boards, on which pertinent information was written: 
Puppet Show at 1:30 pm
Tickets $2.00
or
Snow White
3 pm sharp!
$1.00 admission

The puppet stage also made a nifty hamburger stand. Customers ordered at the window after consulting the menu written on the front of the stand:
Hamburgers: 50 cents
Pop:  25 cents
Chips:  25 cents

On other days, the stand became a convenience grocery store counter:
Milk–  $1.00
Gum–  50 cents
Popsikels– 75 cents

The puppet stage could be folded up flat and transported easily by a parent or older kid to the driveway, garage, backyard, or where our flights of fancy took us.

Lastly, my father’s love of his daughters crossed with his engineering background to produce a play place that was most beloved.  He designed a roofless Barbie house on a pulley system such that it was stored flush against the ceiling of the playroom held firm by several ropes. Picture a 3 ft. x 2 ft. bookcase on its back, reconfigured to have rooms instead of shelves.

It could be lowered down to rest on a low card table for play, and then raised up again, often days later when we had tired of it.  It was like new to us when we took it down again months later. We decorated and redecorated the walls and rooms multiple times over during the years of our Barbie phase as we played for hours with this unique, easy access Barbie house.

Not only did my parents bless us by their willingness to invest time and energy into creative play stuff, but not surprisingly, our house was a sought after destination in the neighborhood. Many kids spent happy hours playing in that magical basement space with the trapeze, dress up barrel, puppet stage and Barbie house. None of those items were purchased, expensive to make, or shiny and perfect, yet all were harbingers of vivid, treasured childhood memories decades later.

-posted by Donna Detweiler, who would like to hear ways that you or your parents have enhanced imaginative play inexpensively with creativity.

Can you recall your first friendship?  Was it a neighbor kid, a schoolmate, or someone from swim lessons or a class like Kindermusik?  Was your friend a boy or a girl?  The same age, older or younger?  Do you still keep in touch?

Research shows that children begin to develop their first important peer relationships during the preschool years.  First, their self-concept must develop.  Before relating to others, they must perceive themselves as distinct from others.  Speech acquisition allows them to communicate. Eventually, they develop empathy, which enables them to actually understand another person’s point of view.  I vividly recall my excitement when my 2 ½ year-old son comforted a crying friend during Sunday school–his first demonstration of peer empathy. 

Once the social skills awaken, relationships with others become more interesting to a child.  Soon after,  preschoolers begin spending less and less time in nonsocial activity and parallel play, and about half their time engaging in associative and cooperative play.

1) Nonsocial–unoccupied, onlooker, solitary
2)  Parallel—playing alone but alongside of other children
3) Associative –separate play, but with interaction by exchanging toys and talk
4) Cooperative—playing together in a collaborative manner such as make believe or working a puzzle together.

Mildred Parte, a researcher form the 1930’s, observed that play forms emerge in a specific order in preschoolers, but subsequently children engage in all four of the above forms of play simultaneously.  Up until six year of age, nonsocial and parallel play occupy up to half of the average child’s playtime. What does change with maturity is the “type “ of nonsocial play.  As their brains mature, kids develop more sophisticated patterns of solitary play.  They negotiate complex interaction such as who will be the mom, the dad, T-Rex, or Luke Skywalker.

Somewhere in the social development process, children form a first friendship.  Research shows that preschoolers know that a friend is someone “who likes you” and with whom you spend a lot of time. But such friendships are in an immature form, mostly based on time together such as in a class or if the parent are good friends and the kids see each other a lot. Kids are not loyal and can quickly reject a friend if provoked. But at an early age, they show extra attention to those they identify as friends, setting the relationship apart from others.

Jimmy Rief was my first BFF in preschool. He lived around the corner. He gave me a set of plastic cowboys and Indians for my birthday.  Because I only had sisters, perhaps he was also a novelty.  Our friendship lasted until second grade. Some unmemorable conflict occurred and Jimmy punched me in the stomach and I scratched him back. That is my last memory of my friend Jimmy, other than that his father, who was a doctor, was convicted of drug possession some years later.  

Just for fun, take some time in the next couple days to do two things:  Reminisce about your childhood friends and observe your children at play.  I don’t know what obscure memories you’ll come up with, but you should be able to observe the four kinds of play rather easily.

Note: Laura Beck, author of Development through the Lifespan, notes that parents need not worry about whether a child that likes to spend lots of time playing alone is developmentally normal.  Only certain types of nonsocial activity are of concern; “aimless wandering, hovering near peers, functional play involving repetitive motor actions.”

-posted by Donna Detweiler who would like to apologize to Jimmy Reif for lying about scratching his hand when the teacher asked if she had done it. 

Last time I explained the characteristics you can expect in your child of age 18 months to 2 ½ as they move through the cycles of equilibrium and disequilibrium. Today, I’m covering ages 3 to 5 years.

Age 3:  “Cooperate.” At age 3, cooperating is the name of the game.  Children love to share.  They have comfortable relationships for the most part.  The have become secure physically and that overflows into an emotional sense of control and well being.

Age 3 ½:  “Insecurity.” While the 3 year old enjoyed physical security, the 3 ½ year old now enters a stage where she stumbles and falls more. But fears and a sense of insecurity now contribute to the cause.  She can have a trembling hand when playing blocks as she tries to put the one perfectly on top.  She tries so hard at new activities that she has lost some of the devil-may-care freedom that often gives beginner’s luck.  She is less certain in her actions.  In language, the 3 ½ year old may have a tendency to stutter.  She is messier as she eats.  Dressing her may be more difficult as she wants more control, but is in an awkward stage and resents the help she needs.  Her chief battles are waged with mom or dad if he is the primary caregiver.

Age 4: “Wild & Wonderful.” The Gesell Institute characterizes the 4 year old as “out-of bounds.”  They have a strong emerging sense of self and are delighted about it.  They tend to be secure and boast and brag freely about their accomplishments.

Age 4 ½ : As four year olds are already characterized as “out of bounds,” the disequilibrium in this stage presents primarily as a greater degree of the same.  When they get angry, they are often “out-of-bounds” in their expressions.  They hit or kick.  When emotional, they cry loudly.  They feel free to make up what they don’t know, so lying is common at this age.

Age 5:  “Peaceful.” At 5 the child is quietly consolidating new skills.  He attempts only what he knows he can achieve.  No longer prone to pushing out the boundaries like the 4-year-old, the five-year-old is interested in sorting through and examining his new collection of skills, abilities and perception, much like a child quietly sorts his favorite collection of shells or marbles.  The five-year-old is inwardly oriented, often content and calm compared to other stages. And he loves to talk, thereby further integrating his experiences.  While his behavior is relatively quieter than other stages, his thoughts are not.  At this age, his interest in being read to is at its peak.  He also loves to hear adults tell him true stories.  Adults often find 5-year-olds delightful to be around.

Age 5 ½:  “Selfish.” All good things must come to and end. The 5 ½ year old believes she should be the center of the world.  She moves between being hesitant, dawdling and indecisive to over demanding, explosive and tense. “When she doesn’t have the courage to defy you outright, she dawdles—which amount to much the same thing.”  Tension and restlessness describe their physical state.  She has trouble sitting still.

All children move through the stages of development at an inexact pace.  However, the research shows that generally, all children go through the stages in six month cycles.  The principle is that one stage is established (equilibrium,) and then it must break up (disequilibrium) so the child can reach a higher, more stable stage of equilibrium.  Interestingly, researchers postulate that we all continue to go through cycles of equilibrium and disequilibrium but to a lesser degree as we continue to grown and learn as adults.

The good news is that whatever stage you’re experiencing, six months of patience and their behavior will likely change! If you understand the cyclical nature of child development, the craziness that sometimes characterizes life with preschoolers can suddenly have a rhythm that makes sense.  As a parent, I’m all for that.

-posted by Donna Detweiler, who distinctly remembers being in a state of disequilibrium the first few years of homeschooling her children.

Understanding stages of equilibrium and disequilibrium in your child can provide emotional comfort and helpful clues for the anxious parent.  It can even turn anxiety into fun as you watch for the cycles.  Just knowing that your child is normal can help you and your family weather a season of toddler terrors.  For example, when I know that all 2 ½ year olds tend to be oppositional, I won’t worry that I’m raising the next Attila the Hun.

According to research done by the Gesell Institute, not only do children have individual personalities, but each age has an individuality of its own. The years characterized by more calm behavior, control, and compliance, (equilibrium,) are 2, 3, 4 and 5.  The years of disequilibrium are 18 months, 2 ½, 3 ½, and 4 ½.  During these seasons, children’s behavior is more likely to be explosive, anxious, unreasonable, and even out of control.

Disequilibrium:  18 Months, 2 ½, 3 ½, 4 ½
Equilibrium:  2, 3, 4, 5

Let me summarize the different stages from the Gesell Institute’s findings.

18 months:  “I want it now!”  At this stage, the child has definite ideas of what he wants, but he doesn’t yet have the words to express himself.  He has trouble accepting delay or failures.  Crying and tantrums result because he doesn’t have the motor skills to do what he wants and he’s not willing to be flexible.  Because he is resistant to change, he is also resistant to sudden transitions.  He avoids them by physically refusing to cooperate. 

When David was this age, I hated trying to get him out of the house and into the car.  Now I know why.  He resisted every stage of the process; shoes tied, jacket on, getting buckled into the car seat. It was an exhausting struggle for both of us.

At this stage, the key to success is parent flexibility.  Patience and good humor will serve you well as you wait out this stage.

Age 2:  “Good Will.”  The two-year-old is willing to conform. She is eager to please.  She has good body control. She falls less, walks and runs easily. Her talk is improving rapidly.  She is able to name her wants.  She is easier to live with because life is easier for her in the stage.

Age 2 ½:  “Oppositional.”  At two, the child was emerging from babyhood. At 2 ½, he is rapidly becoming his own person.  He has become rigid, ritualistic and demanding.  This is when bedtime routines become elaborate and drawn out as each facet cannot be skipped without loud protest. Many an exhausted parent has tried in vain to shorten the process only to find the child will not settle down at all. 2 ½ year olds aren’t cooperative because they desire to exercise their new found skills independently. 

Tomorrow I’ll explain the cycles for equilibrium and disequilibrium for 3-5 year olds.

-posted by Donna Detweiler whose research for this blog is from Gesell Institute’s Child from One to Six:  Evaluating the Behavior of the Pre-school Child.

Ever noticed how prevalent cycles are in life?  Every day the sun comes up, it goes down. The earth rotates around the sun causing predictable seasonal cycles. The dryer has a cycle.  The dishwasher has a cycle. Moms have those cycles. Even businesses and school years have cycles.

Guess what?  Your kids’ development tends to cycle too. Understanding these cycles can help you avoid taking a spin on the crazy cycle when your normally sweet child’s behavior takes a turn for the worse.

Jean Piaget, noted sociologist, observed that children’s development is not linear and progressive like the gradually rising line graph measuring a successful company’s sales.  Rather, children develop cognitively on a relatively predictable cycle with periods of equilibrium followed by disequilibrium.

According to Piaget, children go through a stage of disequilibrium when they have learned new information about the world and now their brains must “accommodate” that information and adjust their other ideas about their world (which Piaget called “schemes”) to it.  The child must learn and master a new set of skills.  Trial and error learning is taking place, which includes uncertainty, struggle, and frustration.

Conversely, when a child is in the phase called equilibrium, she is “assimilating” the information learned, having fun with her new skill and knowledge.  This phase lends itself to more ease and pleasant emotion.

As children cycle through these learning phases, their behavior reflects the emotional comfort, or discomfort of the phase.  A child experiencing disequilibrium may suddenly seem more difficult to get along with, or edgy and challenging.

Think about what it is like for you to drive in an unfamiliar city.  Until you know where you are going and how to get there, you can feel uptight and even bark at your spouse if you go the wrong direction or miss a turn.  When a child’s internal map is shifting, he may feel anxious and act out unpredictably until things become more settled.  And of course he doesn’t understand what is going on.

When my son hit age four, my darling boy went through a particularly snarky period. I sought advice from a trusted friend, who just happened to be a seasoned first grade teacher with an award-winning knowledge of brain development in children.  My lucky day!  She explained to me this “normal” crazy cycle of equilibrium and disequilibrium.

My fears of raising a juvenile delinquent were calmed. She recommended the excellent books on the child development by well-known author, Louise Bates Ames. Ames’ books explain the various developmental cycles of each age.  Once I knew what to expect, I could better interpret behavior and ride out a cycle of disequilibrium with less fear and stress.

Recognizing a season of disequilibrium does not mean you excuse unacceptable behavior or give your child permission to be a thorn in the side of your family for a time. It simply helps you to have patience and to calmly assess what discipline tool is needed to help train your child to handle the new place in life she is discovering. You can lovingly and consistently deal with the individual situations as they arise.  And when things suddenly get smoother, you can celebrate equilibrium!

More on equilibrium and disequilibrium next time.

-posted by Donna Detweiler, who found that the truth about equilibrium/disequilibrium cycles set her free from fear during difficult days.