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A three-part review of The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, MD.

Since I know you’re eager to find out about the last three love languages, let’s jump right in!

Love Language #3—Quality Time

Children with this love language feel most loved with the undivided attention of another person.  This tells the child that she is the most important person in the world to the parent. Quality time is focused attention. “When a child’s love tank is empty and attention is the only thing that will fill it, that child will go to almost any lengths to get what she needs,” the authors explain. Even negative attention seems better than no attention to many children.

It often doesn’t matter what the activity is as long as the child receives the parent’s attention. Bed time rituals are common ways of getting quality time with each child at the end of the day. Regular parent child dates, attending sporting events or other shared interests can provide one-one-one time. During the one-on-one time quality conversations have a place to occur.  As the child grows older and his life becomes more complex, quality time can provide the bridge for parent/child communication during teen years.

Love Language #4–Gifts

Children with the love language of gifts find special joy and meaning in the giving and receiving of gifts. They tend to place special significance on gifts received, savoring them and placing them in a special place.  They anticipate occasions where gifts are given or received. The gift itself is not the most important thing. It is the love behind the gift. Giving of gifts shouldn’t be a substitute for the expression of other love languages such as quality time or physical touch. True gifts are not bribes for homework or pay for a job.  And not all meaningful gifts come from stores. Gifts can be simple things from the house or nature too.  While all children love to receive gifts, it is the child with the love language of gifts that sees the gift as an extension of your love. Gifts from you are “love’s loudest voice.”

Love Language #5—Acts of Service

When acts of service are our child’s primary love language, he receives a full emotional love tank when we help him with a loving and positive attitude. Fixing his toy or helping him with schoolwork communicates that we truly love him.  When we don’t help, or respond harshly, we “puncture his love tank.”

We serve our children, not to please them but to do what’s best for them.  In doing acts of service, we do things for them they cannot yet do for themselves. We model unselfish behavior. At the appropriate age we also teach them how to serve themselves and others.  They see our generous acts of love to family.   They see us use our unique abilities and skills to serve the family and others. Eventually this helps them escape their self-centered focus and help others, which is one of our goals as parents. 

Obviously all our children need acts of service and the modeling of them, but these acts of service speak love to our child with this love language. However, it doesn’t mean we jump at his every request.  The authors suggest a “thoughtful and loving response” will enable us to keep his love tank full.

Motherhood is the hardest job I’ve ever had.  I’m guessing I’m not alone.  Admittedly, I wrestle with unrealistic expectations. My husband helps by speaking my love language: “You are doing a great job with the kids honey.”  The five love languages are helpful tools.  I’m hopeful I am learning to speak my two children’s love languages more proficiently as a result of this book and that one day, two more healthy adults will be blessing their community, enjoying their families and speaking love languages fluently.

-posted by Donna Mershon Detweiler who is rereading this book because there’s lot more to learn.

A three-part review of The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, MD.

In the book, The Five Love Languages of Children, co-authors Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell help us to effectively communicate love to our children such that they feel loved. When the emotional climate in our homes improves, our children are more likely to respond positively to our discipline and training and have improved self esteem as they move in the world. Ultimately they develop into mature, healthy, giving adults when they know they are loved.  Here is a summary of the first two love languages taken from the book.

Love Language #1—Physical Touch

All kids need physical touch, however kids whose primary love language is physical touch need a lot of hugs, kisses, pats on the back, wrestling and other expressions of physical touch.  If our children are in the care of others, we need to ensure they are still getting plenty of loving touch throughout their day. The more we can keep our kids emotional tanks full, the healthier their self esteem and sexual identity will be. School age children need hugs to provide emotional security for their day at school, boys and girls alike.  Playing sports provides some physical touch.  Wrestling and tickle fights are favorites for most kids. Bedtime stories and snuggling after bath time also are regular opportunities for touch.

Adolescents need expressions of touch from their parents. Girls especially need a father’s touch for a healthy sexual identity to develop.  Boys tend to pull back but still need expressions of physical affection, but not likely in front of their peers.  While all children in all stages of development need lots of physical touch, for a child with the love language of physical touch, hugs, kisses and touch shout to them that they are loved.

Love Language #2—Words of Affirmation

Some children feel the greatest sense of love in words spoken that affirm them.  These nurturing words provide a sense of self worth and security and enable a child with this love language to move confidently in her world.  While “I love you” is an important phrase, there are many kinds of words of encouragement.  Words of praise are sincere words that focus on what a child has accomplished. Words of encouragement are designed to give a child the courage to attempt more.  They provide motivation to do something positive.  Words of loving guidance help a child to develop or warn him or her of dangers.  Most guidance should be positive; however prohibitions should be given in a positive manner and should be less given less.  Words of praise that are dishonest or spoken too frequently or with intent to manipulate are wasted. Only words spoken sincerely and with love fill a child’s love tank, especially the child who hears she is loved the most deeply through words. 

Now you have two love languages to ponder.  Do any of your family members seen to fit into these descriptions?  Next time I’ll cover the last three love languages:  Quality Time, Gifts and Acts of Service.

-posted by Donna Mershon Detweiler who is pausing here to go spend quality time with her son.

A three-part review of The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, MD.

A mother’s love is often depicted as the highest, purest kind of love. I’ve been dismayed to find that becoming a mother doesn’t include a super charge of love that overcomes every selfish tendency and nips all angry responses in the bud.  Bummer.  On the contrary, becoming a parent was when I discovered how angry I can get.  And I’ve had plenty of selfish moments since then too.  The other day I licked the beaters quickly, hoping my kids’ cake-o-radar was slower than my tongue.  Yes, I felt selfish and immature! 

To be fair, I’ve called them to the kitchen to lick beaters more often than not, but what mom doesn’t feel the sting of her selfish behavior now and then, or sigh over an ill-chosen word of anger spoken in a moment of sheer exhaustion or exasperation over some childish behavior?

So, I began reading The Five Love Languages of Children, hungry to take my skills at loving my kids to the next level.  And I feasted on more than a mini-meal.  I’m eager to share some highlights with you here and in my next post.  Today, I’ll introduce you to the concept of love languages and why they are such valuable tools for parenting.  In the following blogs, I’ll summarize each of the five love languages.  I encourage you to pick up your own copy of the book.  I’d loan you mine, but I’ve written all over it.

“Every child has a primary language of love, a way in which he or she understands a parent’s love best.” 

Not all kids receive a parent’s love in the same way, write co-authors Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell.  Sometimes our loving intensions or feelings don’t get communicated in spite of our best efforts.  Ever given a gift that bombed?  Or planned a special treat that was received less than enthusiastically?  We feel confused and hurt.  It’s often because we didn’t speak that person’s love language.  Before describing the love languages in detail, the authors explain why it is so important to speak our children’s love language.   

Love is the foundation of our children’s lives.  We can build toward their maturity, our highest parenting goal, on this foundation of love.  For example, “A child’s feelings of anger can be channeled positively when he senses a parent’s love.  He is more likely to consider and accept your suggestions when he perceives your love as genuine and consistent,” writes Chapman.  In other words, love greases the tracks for child training.  Ever had any screeching discipline moments at your house?  Perhaps an application of the appropriate love language would help.

The authors define unconditional love as showing love to a child “no matter what.”  Not permissiveness or spoiling a child, but making sure the child’s love tank is full before discipline occurs. So it’s not a hug before time out, but rather a lifestyle that sends a consistent message that we love them. When we speak our child’s primary love language they can receive it at the heart level. Can you see how we can then confidently correct, teach and train without concern that they will feel unloved by our actions?

On a practical note, unconditional loving requires self control. Feelings of love don’t necessarily come first, but we learn to choose loving behavior no matter what we feel. The feelings follow in due time. “Pleasant and firm” are the words the authors use to coach us in our responses to the normal, often unpleasant childish behavior that needs loving correction for maturing.

Understanding the five love languages has given me clarity, drive and ideas for filling my children’s love tanks more consistently.  I bet you’re more than ready to hear what they are. 

Physical Touch, Words of Encouragement, Quality Time, Gifts, and Acts of Service. 

In the next two posts, I’ll unpack their meaning for you.

-posted by Donna Mershon Detweiler who guesses she has one “Physical Touch” kid, one “Quality Time” kid, and a “Physical Touch” husband!