Studio3Music Blog

Posts Tagged ‘parenting’

Feb
1

Stifling Creativity

Posted in Bits and Pieces, Family, parenting

Last week I got one of those horrible colds. The kind where you just climb into bed, even though you have 3 children to home school and a business to run. The kind of cold that means the moment you lay flat, your head hurts and you can’t breathe. That bad.

I ended up watching a lot of Netflix on my iPad. And by the time I graduated to the couch I was sick of Netflix definition of my genre of choice – “Witty period pieces with a strong female lead”.

So, on to documentaries.  I watched a Nat Geo series about the Amish. The Amish have always fascinated me; I don’t know why. I wish my husband could do wood working like that. But without having to grow a long beard and give up electricity and canning everything in sight. Never mind then. I’ll keep my IT-brilliant husband just the way he is.

Anyhoo… One show followed 5 Amish young people on a trip to the UK to stay with 4 families, each for a week during their Rumspringa. (Rumspringa, or “running around”, is the term used to describe the period of adolescence Amish experience starting at around age 16, before they make the decision whether or not to join the church, characterized by an increase in social activity, and leaving the “rules” behind in regards to behaviors like dress, alcohol, music, as they wish. They then give up their cars and Blackberrys and cigarettes when they choose to become baptized.)

I’m sure that’s not a complete answer; I just wanted you to know why Amish young people from the US could take a trip to the UK to stay with non-Amish, surf in the ocean, play electric guitars and go to a nightclub, all while being followed by a camera crew.

During the documentary, there was a girl in her early twenties that said something really profound. She and her family had left one of the strictest of Amish sects just the year before. (They choose to still live relatively simply and conservatively.) In their old way of life, there was no indoor plumbing, their clothing seams had to be sewn a particular manner, they could not plant flowers, and there was no history, geography or science taught in school, among a myriad of other rules.

She had never sung outside of church or made an art project. So at one house during their trip, the artist-daughter of the host family put a cup of acrylic paint mixed with glue in her hand, handed her a chopstick, and showed her how to drizzle this mixture onto paper and make a painting.

Just imagine making your first creative, beautiful thing at the age of 22. Something for which there was no right or wrong way to do it. This young woman’s face just lit up. Her countenance was alive and joyous, from the inside out. I think that by painting this picture, she experienced true freedom for the first time in her life. 

And then she said, “I think too many rules stifle creativity.” That’s profound. And relevant. Rules are good. Boundaries are important. But with too many, creativity can be stifled. As a mom and teacher, I need to protect my children from being stifled.

Sometimes that means protecting them from my silly rules. Will my Kindergartener fail to learn her math facts if I don’t demand she do the full 3 pages of math on my agenda, when she really wants to just draw and write a lot today? No, you shouldn’t make your own chocolate milk because you might make a mess. You can’t wear that. It doesn’t match. You’re wasting the glitter! Let me cut your meat for you. You don’t do it right.

Silly rules that stifle creativity? I hope not in my house anymore.  You want to compose your own piece of music on the violin and write it down? Go for it. You still have to practice your lesson music, but you can also spend as much time as you wish writing and playing “Land of Slowness”. (I kid you not, that’s the title.)

-posted by Miss Analiisa, who learned how to be a better parent after listening to the voice of reason coming from a most unexpected source.

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Jan
29

Challenging Behavior: Helpful Words

Posted in Child Development, Family, parenting

So far, we’ve talked about the why’s of challenging behavior and the building blocks for successful discipline, and tips for dealing with challenging behavior (aka “flipping your lid”).

In my final blog, I want to provide you with some words to use when you are working with the challenging behavior of children.

Some questions to ask yourself:

  • Am I inspiring self-evaluation or dependence on the evaluation of others?
  • Am I being respectful or patronizing?
  • Am I helping them discover how to act or trying to manipulate their behavior?
  • Am I seeing the child’s point of view or my own?
  • Would I make this comment to a friend or neighbor?

 It is important to provide a connection before correction:

  1. State clear expectations… “As soon as you finish, you may… ”
  2. Respond with a question… “Would you like to do this by yourself, or do you want/need help?”
  3. State a given (i.e. rule or condition)… “I can’t let you do that, those words are hurtful.” “The balls stay outside.” “It’s not time for that now. It’s ok to be disappointed.”
  4. Check his/her understanding… “Tell me how we’re solving this problem.” “What’s the next step before we can… ”
  5. Invite cooperation… “I need your help with this.”
  6. Limit choices… “Would you like to put this away now or after dinner?”
  7. Say what you want and mean… “I want you to use your body in a different way. That feels unsafe. Try this… ”
  8. Negotiate an agreement… “I can’t let you do that, it hurts her body. But you can climb up this way.”
  9. Use non-verbal language such as a hand on the shoulder or a secret nod.
  10. Follow through… “Time to… now”. Be sure to follow through yourself. Don’t use the word “now” if you’ll get busy and forget to follow through.

Most of all, anticipate and be ok with mistakes. They are opportunities to learn. We all make them. Remember to recover from a mistake.

  • Re-gather: Everyone has had ample time to calm down.
  • Recognize: “Whoops, I made a mistake.”
  • Reconcile: “I’m sorry.”
  • Re-solve: “How can we work together to make it better?”

-posted  by Teacher Aaron, who wants to remind you to think about how these tactics work best for you and your family. Share them with your parenting partner and keep the discussion going!

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Jan
28

Challenging Behavior: What to do when someone flips their lid.

Posted in Child Development, parenting

Yesterday, I talked about the why’s of challenging behavior and the building blocks for successful discipline. Today, I want to give you some tips for dealing with challenging behavior (aka “flipping your lid”).

Tips for when YOU have flipped your lid:

  • Recognize what it feels like physically: fast heart beats, redness of the face and neck, sense of urgency. Learn your body’s warning signs.
  • Recognize what it feels like mentally: An inability to think calmly and clearly. Thoughts that repeat or go in circles. A sense of urgency
  • Take a time out from the situation and calm down: Recognize that continued engagement won’t help. Take a moment to calm down and breathe. Remove yourself.
  • Focus on your breathing: Do it slowly. In and out.
  • Use large muscles: walk, run, bike, do push-ups, or yoga. Anything to keep yourself moving.
  • Try engaging your cortex: Do mental math, count backwards, list facts. Anything to slow the pace.
  • Notice why you’re in “survival mode.” This situation makes me feel vulnerable because I’m not being heard, I’m not being respected, etc. Don’t take it personally. Your brain thinks it’s about survival, when it really isn’t.

Tips for when THEY have flipped their lid (child or adult):

  • Watch for signs in the other person: Intense emotions, disjointed sentences, irrational action, flushed/red face.
  • Notice your body: Use those mirror neurons. Get down on the child’s level. Be calm and speak slowly. Use simple words. This makes it easier for them to calm down too. Don’t let their “flipped lid” catch you off guard.
  • Remember safety: People unable to use their cortex act irrationally and can be physically dangerous. Be calm, stay aware, and move slowly.
  • Acknowledge feelings: Use few words and speak slowly. “I can tell you’re frustrated” or “I see tears running down your face, you must be sad.”
  • Talk TO them not AT them: Don’t make fast movements. They may want to be touched or they may not want to be touched, be aware of what their body language is telling you. If they want to leave (and it is safe), let them.
  • Give them space, don’t crowd: Don’t give complicated directions (they cannot process them), keep it simple. Don’t demand from them.
  • Invite them to take a CDT (Cool Down Time): This is similar to a time-out, but instead is non-punitive. This works best as an option, not a command.
  • Simple tasks engage his/her cortext: Ask him how his name is spelled. Ask her to count to ten. Math and literacy are both great ways to do this.
  • Ask for their help: Finally, when they begin to de-escalate, change their focus by asking for their help. “I can tell you aren’t ready to play yet, but can you help me get these things from the cupboard?” or “I know you can’t go back to work yet, but could you help me by…?”

The foundation of the tools to helping young children self-regulate is the relationships we build with them. Discipline means not just what we do during moments of challenging behavior, but how we encourage children to be better people. This is a concept adopted from Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson. Positive discipline

inspire with courage.”

We do this by helping children self-evaluate themselves (“tell me about it” or “what do you think?”). Instead of conformity (“you did it right”, “I’m so proud of you”), build empathy (“I can see you enjoyed that”, “what do you think and feel?”). Appreciate them by being specific (“I appreciate your help with…” or “who can show me the proper way to sit?”).

Tomorrow, I’ll give you some helpful words and phrases to use in the process of discipline.

-posted by Teacher Aaron, who takes some hot tea to a quiet corner when he’s flipped his lid.

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Jan
27

What do I do about challenging behavior?

Posted in Child Development, Education, parenting

It’s the mystery of not just childhood, but all human behavior. As we get older, we learn how to communicate our needs and regulate our emotions. But how, then, do we teach our children these skills? Why does challenging behavior happen? Where does it happen? How do we look for it? And most importantly, what do we do about it?

We want to understand:

  1. how we make meaning of our experiences
  2. how challenging behavior is a solution to a different problem
  3. what are the practical tools for young children to self-regulate
  4. the recovery tools in developing minds
  5. how to use several tools for improving relationships with young children

As irrational as it sometimes appears, we know that behavior is always purposeful. The purpose of behavior is to find belonging (a sense of connection) and meaning (significance). People make decisions based on how they perceive the world. A perception leads to an interpretation which leads to a belief, and then a decision based on that belief which leads back to a new perception. Children do this all the time. They use their senses to make interpretations. “How heavy is this block?” “What does tomato soup smell like?” “I can see steam; that must mean it’s hot.” “When I see a black bird, I notice it makes a certain sound.” Children make these interpretations in an effort to organize the world around them.

So when there is a “problem,” it really is a solution to another problem that we just are not aware of yet. A child who is “misbehaving” is, rather, discouraged. Children want to feel a sense of community. Being in one and contributing to it. We need to teach children ways to accomplish their goals that are appropriate and safe. By encouraging a child instead of discouraging them, we give them the power to solve problems autonomously.

This happens when we:

  • Teach life skills to children.
  • Pay attention to the power of perception.
  • Focus on encouragement (connection and presence with  children).
  • Be kind and firm at the same time.
  • Look to mutual respect. Respect for yourself. Respect for the situation. Respect for the needs of the child.
  • Celebrate mistakes as opportunities to learn.
  • Look to solutions rather than punishment.

These are the building blocks for effective discipline. Parents struggle with this word all the time. “What is discipline and how can I be sure it’s appropriate?” Taken from Adler, a prominent child developmentalist, effective discipline helps children feel a sense of community by being mutually respectful and encouraging. What is the child thinking, feeling, learning, and deciding about herself in her world? What does he do in the future to survive and thrive? So it is effective long term. Discipline teaches important social and life skills such as respect for others, problem solving, cooperation, and contributing to the world around him. It also helps a child to discover how capable she truly is.

Tomorrow I’ll talk about some tips for when that mid-brain takes over and the challenging behavior comes out. There are tips for when your child “flips her lid” and for when YOU flip your lid.

-posted by Teacher Aaron, who is a Preschool Director in his other, non-Kindermusik life!

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Dec
14

The Wonder Weeks – or How I discovered the magical leaps forward, that made the fussy times a little easier to bear.

Posted in Child Development, parenting

This blog is a continuation of my story I started yesterday.

The special thing about this book is that it has excerpts from real moms who documented how they were feeling week by week as their baby was growing. They would also document what their babies were doing as the weeks were going by as well. Again, for me, this was reassurance to know that each baby has different temperaments and is going to grow differently.

Miles at 5 weeks.

Here’s an example: I remember when Miles hit the 5 week mark. He was very fussy and it was very hard to get him to sleep. He would put up the greatest fight to go down and sometime he never made it down. He just cried the whole time until his next feeding.

This is when I picked up The Wonder Weeks and started reading as fast as I could! Well, wouldn’t you know, 5 weeks is when babies have their first fussy time, which leads into a ‘magical leap forward’.

After we made it through the 5th week, both my husband and I realized that Miles was actually responding to music and he was starting to notice and play with his hands! He had started showing off his new skills that he was processing through during his fussy time.  What a pleasure to be able to watch and participate in his learning.  We were able to enjoy this because we knew what to expect.

Another thing that has been helpful about  The Wonder Weeks, is that there is a graph in the beginning of the book that charts out predicted fussy times. I’m a visual person, so this is very nice. I can quickly flip to this chart and see where Miles fits age-wise and see if he is in a sunny period (his personality is shining through) or a stormy period (more fussy than normal).

Here is one last example: Miles has been really cranky lately. I’ve stopped telling people how many weeks he is because I just can’t keep track. So, when people ask how old he is I’ll say 3 ½ months instead of weeks. But because he has been so cranky lately, I decided to count the weeks and check the chart in this book. Sure enough, Miles is in a stormy period and things are changing.

Miles has been very testy when it comes to sleeping. He has been having a really hard time going down and we can’t figure it out. He also doesn’t like my husband putting him down. He will cry and cry and cry with Casey, but then I’ll take him and he’ll quiet right down. This process has been really rough for both Casey and I because Casey feels rejected and I feel like I don’t get a break.

Miles at 17 weeks.

After counting how many weeks old Miles is, 17 weeks, he falls smack in the middle of a fussy time. I should’ve known! So, I just opened the book to refresh my memory about some of the changes that are going to be happening to Miles and about every description in the book is exactly what Miles is going through. Trouble sleeping, being cranky, shyness of strangers, entertaining him while he is awake; all of these things are written in this book and documented by the Moms who participated in journaling what their child was doing during this time. Talk about not feeling alone!

I am so grateful for this book, The Wonder Weeks. It has helped me a lot with being patient with my baby and myself. It will be a go-to book for me as Miles grows and gets older.

-posted by Miss Anna, who will be recommending this book to every Mom that she knows, and thinks that if you get the chance, you should check it out.

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