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Posts Tagged ‘parenting’

Jan
28

Challenging Behavior: What to do when someone flips their lid.

Yesterday, I talked about the why’s of challenging behavior and the building blocks for successful discipline. Today, I want to give you some tips for dealing with challenging behavior (aka “flipping your lid”).

Tips for when YOU have flipped your lid:

Recognize what it feels like physically: fast heart beats, redness of the face and neck, sense of urgency. Learn your body’s warning signs.
Recognize what it feels like mentally: An inability to think calmly and clearly. Thoughts that repeat or go in circles. A sense of urgency
Take a time out from the situation and calm down: Recognize that continued engagement won’t help. Take a moment to calm down and breathe. Remove yourself.
Focus on your breathing: Do it slowly. In and out.
Use large muscles: walk, run, bike, do push-ups, or yoga. Anything to keep yourself moving.
Try engaging your cortex: Do mental math, count backwards, list facts. Anything to slow the pace.
Notice why you’re in “survival mode.” This situation makes me feel vulnerable because I’m not being heard, I’m not being respected, etc. Don’t take it personally. Your brain thinks it’s about survival, when it really isn’t.

Tips for when THEY have flipped their lid (child or adult):

Watch for signs in the other person: Intense emotions, disjointed sentences, irrational action, flushed/red face.
Notice your body: Use those mirror neurons. Get down on the child’s level. Be calm and speak slowly. Use simple words. This makes it easier for them to calm down too. Don’t let their “flipped lid” catch you off guard.
Remember safety: People unable to use their cortex act irrationally and can be physically dangerous. Be calm, stay aware, and move slowly.
Acknowledge feelings: Use few words and speak slowly. “I can tell you’re frustrated” or “I see tears running down your face, you must be sad.”
Talk TO them not AT them: Don’t make fast movements. They may want to be touched or they may not want to be touched, be aware of what their body language is telling you. If they want to leave (and it is safe), let them.
Give them space, don’t crowd: Don’t give complicated directions (they cannot process them), keep it simple. Don’t demand from them.
Invite them to take a CDT (Cool Down Time): This is similar to a time-out, but instead is non-punitive. This works best as an option, not a command.
Simple tasks engage his/her cortext: Ask him how his name is spelled. Ask her to count to ten. Math and literacy are both great ways to do this.
Ask for their help: Finally, when they begin to de-escalate, change their focus by asking for their help. “I can tell you aren’t ready to play yet, but can you help me get these things from the cupboard?” or “I know you can’t go back to work yet, but could you help me by…?”

The foundation of the tools to helping young children self-regulate is the relationships we build with them. Discipline means not just what we do during moments of challenging behavior, but how we encourage children to be better people. This is a concept adopted from Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson. Positive discipline

inspire with courage.”

We do this by helping children self-evaluate themselves (“tell me about it” or “what do you think?”). Instead of conformity (“you did it right”, “I’m so proud of you”), build empathy (“I can see you enjoyed that”, “what do you think and feel?”). Appreciate them by being specific (“I appreciate your help with…” or “who can show me the proper way to sit?”).

Tomorrow, I’ll give you some helpful words and phrases to use in the process of discipline.

-posted by Teacher Aaron, who takes some hot tea to a quiet corner when he’s flipped his lid.

Tags: parenting, preschoolers, teacher aaron

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Jan
27

What do I do about challenging behavior?

Posted in Child Development, Education, parenting

It’s the mystery of not just childhood, but all human behavior. As we get older, we learn how to communicate our needs and regulate our emotions. But how, then, do we teach our children these skills? Why does challenging behavior happen? Where does it happen? How do we look for it? And most importantly, what do we do about it?

We want to understand:

how we make meaning of our experiences
how challenging behavior is a solution to a different problem
what are the practical tools for young children to self-regulate
the recovery tools in developing minds
how to use several tools for improving relationships with young children

As irrational as it sometimes appears, we know that behavior is always purposeful. The purpose of behavior is to find belonging (a sense of connection) and meaning (significance). People make decisions based on how they perceive the world. A perception leads to an interpretation which leads to a belief, and then a decision based on that belief which leads back to a new perception. Children do this all the time. They use their senses to make interpretations. “How heavy is this block?” “What does tomato soup smell like?” “I can see steam; that must mean it’s hot.” “When I see a black bird, I notice it makes a certain sound.” Children make these interpretations in an effort to organize the world around them.

So when there is a “problem,” it really is a solution to another problem that we just are not aware of yet. A child who is “misbehaving” is, rather, discouraged. Children want to feel a sense of community. Being in one and contributing to it. We need to teach children ways to accomplish their goals that are appropriate and safe. By encouraging a child instead of discouraging them, we give them the power to solve problems autonomously.

This happens when we:

Teach life skills to children.
Pay attention to the power of perception.
Focus on encouragement (connection and presence with children).
Be kind and firm at the same time.
Look to mutual respect. Respect for yourself. Respect for the situation. Respect for the needs of the child.
Celebrate mistakes as opportunities to learn.
Look to solutions rather than punishment.

These are the building blocks for effective discipline. Parents struggle with this word all the time. “What is discipline and how can I be sure it’s appropriate?” Taken from Adler, a prominent child developmentalist, effective discipline helps children feel a sense of community by being mutually respectful and encouraging. What is the child thinking, feeling, learning, and deciding about herself in her world? What does he do in the future to survive and thrive? So it is effective long term. Discipline teaches important social and life skills such as respect for others, problem solving, cooperation, and contributing to the world around him. It also helps a child to discover how capable she truly is.

Tomorrow I’ll talk about some tips for when that mid-brain takes over and the challenging behavior comes out. There are tips for when your child “flips her lid” and for when YOU flip your lid.

-posted by Teacher Aaron, who is a Preschool Director in his other, non-Kindermusik life!

Tags: parenting, preschoolers, teacher aaron

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Dec
14

The Wonder Weeks – or How I discovered the magical leaps forward, that made the fussy times a little easier to bear.

Posted in Child Development, parenting

This blog is a continuation of my story I started yesterday.

The special thing about this book is that it has excerpts from real moms who documented how they were feeling week by week as their baby was growing. They would also document what their babies were doing as the weeks were going by as well. Again, for me, this was reassurance to know that each baby has different temperaments and is going to grow differently.

Miles at 5 weeks.

Here’s an example: I remember when Miles hit the 5 week mark. He was very fussy and it was very hard to get him to sleep. He would put up the greatest fight to go down and sometime he never made it down. He just cried the whole time until his next feeding.

This is when I picked up The Wonder Weeks and started reading as fast as I could! Well, wouldn’t you know, 5 weeks is when babies have their first fussy time, which leads into a ‘magical leap forward’.

After we made it through the 5^th week, both my husband and I realized that Miles was actually responding to music and he was starting to notice and play with his hands! He had started showing off his new skills that he was processing through during his fussy time. What a pleasure to be able to watch and participate in his learning. We were able to enjoy this because we knew what to expect.

Another thing that has been helpful about The Wonder Weeks, is that there is a graph in the beginning of the book that charts out predicted fussy times. I’m a visual person, so this is very nice. I can quickly flip to this chart and see where Miles fits age-wise and see if he is in a sunny period (his personality is shining through) or a stormy period (more fussy than normal).

Here is one last example: Miles has been really cranky lately. I’ve stopped telling people how many weeks he is because I just can’t keep track. So, when people ask how old he is I’ll say 3 ½ months instead of weeks. But because he has been so cranky lately, I decided to count the weeks and check the chart in this book. Sure enough, Miles is in a stormy period and things are changing.

Miles has been very testy when it comes to sleeping. He has been having a really hard time going down and we can’t figure it out. He also doesn’t like my husband putting him down. He will cry and cry and cry with Casey, but then I’ll take him and he’ll quiet right down. This process has been really rough for both Casey and I because Casey feels rejected and I feel like I don’t get a break.

Miles at 17 weeks.

After counting how many weeks old Miles is, 17 weeks, he falls smack in the middle of a fussy time. I should’ve known! So, I just opened the book to refresh my memory about some of the changes that are going to be happening to Miles and about every description in the book is exactly what Miles is going through. Trouble sleeping, being cranky, shyness of strangers, entertaining him while he is awake; all of these things are written in this book and documented by the Moms who participated in journaling what their child was doing during this time. Talk about not feeling alone!

I am so grateful for this book, The Wonder Weeks. It has helped me a lot with being patient with my baby and myself. It will be a go-to book for me as Miles grows and gets older.

-posted by Miss Anna, who will be recommending this book to every Mom that she knows, and thinks that if you get the chance, you should check it out.

Tags: babies, books, brain, Miss Anna, parenting, physical development

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Dec
13

The Wonder Weeks – or How I stopped trying to do what all the parenting books told me to do.

Posted in Child Development, parenting

I’m a new mom. My hubby and I had our first baby this August and officially made our family of 2 into a family of 3 (excluding pets, of course). With that being said, we had no idea and still have no idea what in the world we are doing!

People have recommended books galore for us to read, Baby Wise, The Baby Whisperer, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, Happiest Baby On The Block and the list goes on. Being the new mom that I am, I figured that I should start reading up on some of these so I can know what I’m doing, right?

Newborn Miles (before the fussies start)

Well, I remember my second day alone with Miles and my mom had said she was headed over to help and hang out. As soon as she opened the door to our apartment, I burst into tears! It had been an awful day the day before and a really tough night. I was so ready for some reinforcements by the dawn’s early light!

While being able to process out loud some of my thoughts, I realized that I was carrying a ton of weight on my shoulders about how Miles should conduct his days and nights. All of these books were telling me how to do things and I was thought that I was gleaning from all of them. I would read a book and then try to put into practice what they had ‘suggested’.

Finally, I realized that my sweet baby boy did not fit into any book! He is his own little person and he has to figure out a schedule of his own. His tummy will tell him when he is hungry and his eyes will tell him when he is tired. And as for being a mom, I had to trust my instincts and listen to my baby. So, I returned all the books to the various friends and libraries and set out on my own to figure this new thing out!

With all of this new information being thrown my way, I did retain some. One book, however, I pick up and read as Miles grows. This book is called The Wonder Weeks. I have to say, this book is such a lifesaver to me! If anything, this book gives me peace of mind that whenever I couldn’t and can’t figure out what is going on with my new little one, he is more than likely growing. And with that, comes a whole bunch of changes in behavioral patterns.

This book covers the 10 fussiest phases in a baby’s first year and a half. Through these fussy phases come wonderful leaps forward in a baby’s development. He learns new skills through these fussy times and is proud to show them when they are through the storm.

If anything, this book taught me to let go of having control. To know that if Miles is in a proven ‘fussy time’, that his normal day to day patterns might be a little off. So if he wants to eat every 2 hours and sleep for 4, it’s ok. If he is staying awake for 3 hours at a time, it’s ok. If he is crying and clinging to me, it’s ok (even if I’m totally annoyed with this!).

-posted by Miss Anna, who will tell you the rest of the story (aka “magical leaps forward”) tomorrow.

Tags: babies, books, Miss Anna, parenting, physical development

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Dec
7

Advent Calendar Anticipation

Posted in Bits and Pieces, Family, Things to do

Children love surprises! So when a sheet of colorful cardboard has 24 enticing little doors with a surprise tucked behind each one, what child can resist? Add a piece of yummy candy behind each opening and kids go nuts. No wonder Advent calendars have been around for a couple of centuries.

The celebration of Advent dates back to the 4^th century. Converts to Christianity observed Advent as a season of preparation for baptism. In the Middle Ages, Advent was a time to look forward to the 2^nd coming of Christ. The traditional observance of Advent still celebrated today involves the anticipation of the nativity. By lighting a candle on each of the four Sundays leading up to Christmas day, Christians prepare to celebrate his birth on Christmas day. While many people still celebrate the religious aspects of Advent, the use of Advent calendars has become part of the secular observance of Christmas too.

The earliest Advent calendars probably originated in Germany. German Lutherans in the 19^th century would draw chalk lines on their doors to help children count down the days until Christmas. Lighting 24 candles was another common practice.

The first handmade Advent calendars began in Hamburg, Germany. Soon, a printer in Munich named Gerhard Lang created the standard Advent calendar still recognizable today. He glued 24 little colored pictures to cardboard and then attached another piece of cardboard with 24 matching doors on top. His company, Reichheld Lang Printing Co. marketed 30 designs. In 1930, they were forced to close when cardboard was rationed during WWII.

After the war, Richard Sellmer Verlag of Stuttgart, Germany, began to print the calendars again. Today, this enduring company continues to carry a stock of 1,000 calendars.

Advent calendars come in a variety of styles ranging from inexpensive traditional designs, to more expensive 3D Lego versions and everything in between! Handmade Advent calendars are a popular craft this time of year. Just google “Homemade Advent Calendars” and you’ll find many easy –to-make ideas.

A 1946 newspaper article showed President Eisenhower’s grandchildren gleefully opening up doors on a “Little Town Advent Calendar.” Subsequently, the popularity of these calendars soared in the US. Of course. Advent calendars capture children’s anticipatory nature the world over.

Click on this link for more information on the history of Advent and the Advent calendar.

-posted by Donna Detweiler, who remembers how excited she was each morning to discover what tiny picture of a toy was behind the numbered door on her Advent calendar!