In my final blog, I want to provide you with some words to use when you are working with the challenging behavior of children.

Some questions to ask yourself:

• Am I inspiring self-evaluation or dependence on the evaluation of others?
• Am I being respectful or patronizing?
• Am I helping them discover how to act or trying to manipulate their behavior?
• Am I seeing the child’s point of view or my own?
• Would I make this comment to a friend or neighbor?

 It is important to provide a connection before correction:

1. State clear expectations… “As soon as you finish, you may… ”
2. Respond with a question… “Would you like to do this by yourself, or do you want/need help?”
3. State a given (i.e. rule or condition)… “I can’t let you do that, those words are hurtful.” “The balls stay outside.” “It’s not time for that now. It’s ok to be disappointed.”
4. Check his/her understanding… “Tell me how we’re solving this problem.” “What’s the next step before we can… ”
5. Invite cooperation… “I need your help with this.”
6. Limit choices… “Would you like to put this away now or after dinner?”
7. Say what you want and mean… “I want you to use your body in a different way. That feels unsafe. Try this… ”
8. Negotiate an agreement… “I can’t let you do that, it hurts her body. But you can climb up this way.”
9. Use non-verbal language such as a hand on the shoulder or a secret nod.
10. Follow through… “Time to… now”. Be sure to follow through yourself. Don’t use the word “now” if you’ll get busy and forget to follow through.

Most of all, anticipate and be ok with mistakes. They are opportunities to learn. We all make them. Remember to recover from a mistake.

• Re-gather: Everyone has had ample time to calm down.
• Recognize: “Whoops, I made a mistake.”
• Reconcile: “I’m sorry.”
• Re-solve: “How can we work together to make it better?”

-posted  by Teacher Aaron, who wants to remind you to think about how these tactics work best for you and your family. Share them with your parenting partner and keep the discussion going!

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Tips for when YOU have flipped your lid:

• Recognize what it feels like physically: fast heart beats, redness of the face and neck, sense of urgency. Learn your body’s warning signs.
• Recognize what it feels like mentally: An inability to think calmly and clearly. Thoughts that repeat or go in circles. A sense of urgency
• Take a time out from the situation and calm down: Recognize that continued engagement won’t help. Take a moment to calm down and breathe. Remove yourself.
• Focus on your breathing: Do it slowly. In and out.
• Use large muscles: walk, run, bike, do push-ups, or yoga. Anything to keep yourself moving.
• Try engaging your cortex: Do mental math, count backwards, list facts. Anything to slow the pace.
• Notice why you’re in “survival mode.” This situation makes me feel vulnerable because I’m not being heard, I’m not being respected, etc. Don’t take it personally. Your brain thinks it’s about survival, when it really isn’t.

Tips for when THEY have flipped their lid (child or adult):

• Watch for signs in the other person: Intense emotions, disjointed sentences, irrational action, flushed/red face.
• Notice your body: Use those mirror neurons. Get down on the child’s level. Be calm and speak slowly. Use simple words. This makes it easier for them to calm down too. Don’t let their “flipped lid” catch you off guard.
• Remember safety: People unable to use their cortex act irrationally and can be physically dangerous. Be calm, stay aware, and move slowly.
• Acknowledge feelings: Use few words and speak slowly. “I can tell you’re frustrated” or “I see tears running down your face, you must be sad.”
• Talk TO them not AT them: Don’t make fast movements. They may want to be touched or they may not want to be touched, be aware of what their body language is telling you. If they want to leave (and it is safe), let them.
• Give them space, don’t crowd: Don’t give complicated directions (they cannot process them), keep it simple. Don’t demand from them.
• Invite them to take a CDT (Cool Down Time): This is similar to a time-out, but instead is non-punitive. This works best as an option, not a command.
• Simple tasks engage his/her cortext: Ask him how his name is spelled. Ask her to count to ten. Math and literacy are both great ways to do this.
• Ask for their help: Finally, when they begin to de-escalate, change their focus by asking for their help. “I can tell you aren’t ready to play yet, but can you help me get these things from the cupboard?” or “I know you can’t go back to work yet, but could you help me by…?”

The foundation of the tools to helping young children self-regulate is the relationships we build with them. Discipline means not just what we do during moments of challenging behavior, but how we encourage children to be better people. This is a concept adopted from Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson. Positive discipline

inspire with courage.”

We do this by helping children self-evaluate themselves (“tell me about it” or “what do you think?”). Instead of conformity (“you did it right”, “I’m so proud of you”), build empathy (“I can see you enjoyed that”, “what do you think and feel?”). Appreciate them by being specific (“I appreciate your help with…” or “who can show me the proper way to sit?”).

Tomorrow, I’ll give you some helpful words and phrases to use in the process of discipline.

-posted by Teacher Aaron, who takes some hot tea to a quiet corner when he’s flipped his lid.

We want to understand:

1. how we make meaning of our experiences
2. how challenging behavior is a solution to a different problem
3. what are the practical tools for young children to self-regulate
4. the recovery tools in developing minds
5. how to use several tools for improving relationships with young children

As irrational as it sometimes appears, we know that behavior is always purposeful. The purpose of behavior is to find belonging (a sense of connection) and meaning (significance). People make decisions based on how they perceive the world. A perception leads to an interpretation which leads to a belief, and then a decision based on that belief which leads back to a new perception. Children do this all the time. They use their senses to make interpretations. “How heavy is this block?” “What does tomato soup smell like?” “I can see steam; that must mean it’s hot.” “When I see a black bird, I notice it makes a certain sound.” Children make these interpretations in an effort to organize the world around them.

So when there is a “problem,” it really is a solution to another problem that we just are not aware of yet. A child who is “misbehaving” is, rather, discouraged. Children want to feel a sense of community. Being in one and contributing to it. We need to teach children ways to accomplish their goals that are appropriate and safe. By encouraging a child instead of discouraging them, we give them the power to solve problems autonomously.

This happens when we:

• Teach life skills to children.
• Pay attention to the power of perception.
• Focus on encouragement (connection and presence with  children).
• Be kind and firm at the same time.
• Look to mutual respect. Respect for yourself. Respect for the situation. Respect for the needs of the child.
• Celebrate mistakes as opportunities to learn.
• Look to solutions rather than punishment.

These are the building blocks for effective discipline. Parents struggle with this word all the time. “What is discipline and how can I be sure it’s appropriate?” Taken from Adler, a prominent child developmentalist, effective discipline helps children feel a sense of community by being mutually respectful and encouraging. What is the child thinking, feeling, learning, and deciding about herself in her world? What does he do in the future to survive and thrive? So it is effective long term. Discipline teaches important social and life skills such as respect for others, problem solving, cooperation, and contributing to the world around him. It also helps a child to discover how capable she truly is.

Tomorrow I’ll talk about some tips for when that mid-brain takes over and the challenging behavior comes out. There are tips for when your child “flips her lid” and for when YOU flip your lid.

-posted by Teacher Aaron, who is a Preschool Director in his other, non-Kindermusik life!

On such moment was the neighborhood kids club my daughter decided to host. She was around 8 years old at the time.  We often had families with younger children visit, and she had an interest in these little ones.  Her girlfriend who lived next-door was also, and one day they hatched the neighborhood kids club idea.

They created elaborate plans which they excitedly showed me. A permission slip was designed. Lists of games prepared. A detailed schedule constructed, including when the children would take a potty break and have a nap. The 5 children invited ranged from 2 to 4 years old.

We chose a date, and the girls called each of the parents.  The children were thrilled to have been invited to “Katie’s house.”  The mothers’ reaction was much the same. And so the plans were set.

The girls worked hard to get everything ready. They refined their lists. Got out the age-appropriate toys.  They enthusiastically shopped for snacks and juice boxes at the store. They could hardly wait.

The moms and kids arrived and signed in their children.  Smiles were on all faces as these young girls took charge of these delighted little ones. Much to my surprise, most of the moms actually left, which tells you how desperate mothers can be for time away!

For the next hour and a half, the budding teachers cared for their little charges.  They played Ring around the Rosie, and toss the balloon.  They had a snack and played outside. They read a story. They also chased around little boys who wouldn’t sit in a circle, or play a game, or do anything they were told to do. They learned that sometimes the schedule doesn’t work and that kids do what they want to do and you can’t make them do what YOU want them to.

At the end of the club, the mom’s picked up their children, who got hugs and kisses before they reluctantly left. The teachers were not so reluctant to see them go. They were exhausted!

“Mom, that wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be,” said my tired daughter.

“Well, let’s talk about that,” I responded.  “What did you learn?”

A lot, we concluded. Little kids don’t sit in circles very well.  They like to play outside the best.  Some kids don’t like to color.  Snack time was a success.

“I think stations for coloring and snack would be a good idea for next time,” she concluded. “And we’ll play more games outside too.”

And they did. The next club was better than the first.  But she was still pretty tired at the end. Reality.

I’d recommend encouraging your interested kids to host a neighborhood kids club.  It was a great experience for my daughter and didn’t take much planning or extra work for me.  We had all the resources at home. The kids made the entire plan.  I played a supporting role and enjoyed it.

I’m not sure if my daughter is destined to be a teacher or not, but I know that she learned  a lot, not only about kids, but about having an idea and seeing it come to life, imperfections and all. And isn’t that what life is about.

-posted by Donna Detweiler, who sees how having older children interact with younger children is a win for everyone.

Anyway, he asked his momma to send us this poem he’s been reciting (and teaching to his younger brother, Patrick).

“Autumn”, by Thelma Ireland

Cornflake leaves
Beneath the trees,
Are they a breakfast
For the breeze?

I was inspired to find a cornflake craft, and lo and behold – here you go.

Project list
1 piece brown construction paper
1 piece light blue construction paper
pencil
marker
scissors
liquid glue (not a glue stick)
1 small hand and arm (firmly attached to a small child)

1. On the brown paper, trace around the child’s hand (fingers spread out) and lower arm. Cut out the tracing.
2. Crumple up the paper to add tree trunk texture, and then smooth the paper out. Your child might be completely horrified that you are doing this to their beautiful hand and arm cutout, so if that becomes a problem, just skip it.
3. Glue the “tree” to the light blue paper, leaving room to write the poem.
4. Write the poem on the paper.
5. Glue cornflake leaves onto the branches and ground.
6. Now, hang display your child’s creation, and learn the poem together.

Owen also, (and rightly so) asked his momma to include this second cute little ditty.

“Mr. Owl”, by Edna Hamilton

I saw an owl up in a tree,
I looked at him, he looked at me.
I couldn’t tell you of his size,
For all I saw were two big eyes.
As soon as I could make a dash,
Straight home I ran, quick as a flash.

Of course this poem needs a cute craft as well.

Project list
a pinecone (Go take a walk in the park or woods to find one.)
cotton balls
googly eyes
felt
scissors
glue

1. Stretch or unroll the cotton balls.
2. Pull the cotton all over the pinecone. (It shouldn’t need any glue.)
3. From the felt, cut out a triangle for a beak, and round circles for the eyes.
4. Glue googly eyes on top of the felt circles.
5. Glue the eyes and beak to your Snowy Owl.
6. Make an owl family. (Because he’ll be lonely if you don’t.)
7. Learn the poem together.

Now, have a gallery showing and recitation to adoring fans. Don’t forget to serve dessert!

Thanks, Adrian Owen K.!

-posted by Miss Analiisa, who made her wonderful husband Karl go to the store at 9:30 at night to get cornflakes (which nobody eats around here), so she could make this craft and take pictures for you! Anyone want the rest of the box?

What happens if you don’t work out your grownup body? You know the answer to that. But do you know what could happen if your child doesn’t work out those 11 muscles and their lungs? Their breath control will be affected. Why is that a big deal?

Breath control is directly related to the ability to speak, sing, or read a complete sentence.  Poor breathing (mouth breathing or shallow breathing) can cause high blood pressure. Optimal breathing helps promote weight loss, as oxygen burns fat and calories. (Maybe that one is more for the grownups!)

Breathing well is the key to sleeping well and waking rested. Breathing provides 99% of your energy. When playing a wind instrument, a good tone is almost entirely dependent of good breath control, although a good instrument helps!

Only one third of lung capacity is used in normal breathing. Think about the Swiss freediver who held his breath underwater for 19 minutes and 21 seconds! I’ll bet he was using his full lung capacity.

Now that you understand that you need good breath control, here are a couple of ways to promote it with your preschooler this week.

Straw Painting

I was going to do a whole picture/explanation thing here, but I found a craft blog that did it beautifully, and who doesn’t like a linkback? So, here you go. Tons of fun. And I think that you grownups should try it, too. I’m going to.

Slide Whistle Play

1. If you have a Kindermusik Imagine That student at home (and you have a preschooler, you really should have them in Imagine That – shameless plug, here), then pull out your slide whistle. (Or, get thee a slide whistle if you don’t! Either plastic or metal works great.)
2. Learn the song Windy Weather. It’s #14 on your See What I Saw Home CD 2. Or, download it here. (But you really should be enrolled in class…)
3. Now, sing the song, rather than playing the music. That will allow you to control the tempo and change the words.
4. Start with the slide all of the way pulled out. Sing “Windy weather, windy weather, when the wind blows…” Then blow into the slide whistle, as you push the slide up.
5. Now change the last words to “We all fall down together.” Then blow into the slide whistle as you pull the slide down.
6. Now sing it slowly, sing it fast, sing it quietly, sing it loud. The loud and slow versions are where breath control really comes into play. You have to control your breathing by letting out a little air at a time, in order to make it through the louder blow, or the slower pull on the slide.

Now for a little bit of inspiration. Think that slide whistle is not a “real instrument”? Just watch Tom Goslin (a professional guitar player who is well known in the pit orchestra world) perform the Allegro from Sonata in C major for viola da gamba and Continuo by Carl Frederic Abel. (He played cello and viola in Bach’s court orchestra. Abel, I mean. Not Goslin.) You guessed it – on slide whistle.

-posted by Miss Analiisa, whose hero (because she’s a low brass player), is Arnold Jacobs, the one-lunged tuba player, who was the principle tubist for the Chicago Symphony Orchestra for 44 years, and not surprisingly, was an expert on breath control.

Image: Worakit Sirijinda / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The things your preschooler naturally wants to do will boost their cognitive development – the growing of thinking skills, including problem solving and decision making. Cognitive development is not about the acquisition of information, though that might occur in the process.

What’s important about helping your child acquire cognitive skills now in the preschool years is that this aptitude can then be transferred to any other learning experiences in their life.  For instance, take puzzles. There is a lot of thinking involved in completing a jigsaw puzzle. Sorting, organizing, categorizing, visual discrimination, remembering (Where did I see that piece I now need?), a plan of action (Do I do the outside or the inside first?)

Now fast forward 30 years. Your preschooler has become a successful research scientist. And puzzles have helped her become so. She learned the scientific method as a child. She observed the puzzle, she hypothesized how to solve the puzzle, she tested her solution and concluded if her solution worked!

All mistakes or problems are really opportunities for cognitive development. Here’s why: Children thrive on routine and familiarity. When something happens that thwarts their “normal”, they are required to come up with a solution that is outside of their box, and in doing so, cognitive development occurs.

Take the proverbial spilled milk. Your child dropped his cup of milk. You could get mad (especially if you just cleaned your kitchen floor), but don’t. Remember – all mistakes or problems are really opportunities for cognitive development.

Ask your child to look at the spill – Wow! That little mug of milk sure spread out all over the floor. Is the puddle going to keep growing, or stop? Is it a deep puddle? How can you tell? What should we do about all this milk on the floor? Oh, clean it up? How? What should we use to do that? Milk gets sticky when it’s dried, because it has a kind of sugar in it. What do you think could put on our washcloth to get the sticky off the floor? Why do you think you dropped the cup? How can you hold the cup differently next time so it doesn’t spill? Observing, hypothesizing, testing and concluding!

Here is a list of 10 cognitive skill-building activities to do with your child.

1. Play Hot and Cold. Hide an object and give your child clues as to where it is by saying hotter, colder, or warmer.
2. Games like Dominoes, Uno, Skip Bo or Battleship
3. Cooking. Let your child mix, pour, etc. Lots of mistakes or problems can occur to solve in this activity. (Just ask professional chefs.)
4. Play I Spy with shapes, colors, textures, etc.
5. Household chores like sorting laundry or putting away silverware.
6. Ask (sometimes very silly) thinking questions. Is an elephant purple?  Which is bigger – our cat or our dog? What did you eat for dinner last night?
7. With your finger, draw a simple shape or picture on your child’s back. See if they can guess what it is. Give clues if necessary. (It’s something you find outside. It is very tall.)
8. Category games. What doesn’t belong – cat, mouse, frog, tree? Find me 3 things that are yellow.
9. Create an obstacle course.
10. Let them make mistakes and then allow them to figure out how to solve them.

 -posted by Miss Analiisa, who thinks she’s pretty cognitively savvy, until she plays the game Gobblet Gobblers with her children and loses!

Are we talking about the minute machinations we all do with our lips, teeth, tongue, and our hard and soft palettes to form phonemes?

Or do we mean the inflections in spoken language that tell a listener we are asking a question or telling a joke?

YES! Vocal development is all of these things.

I have dozens of activities I love to do in class to nurture vocal development, but I’m going to limit myself to just one today.

It’s the little ditty Above the Sea, aka “the song with the bathtub fish”. I love those fish because they open the door to world of vocal development for your child in a tangible and engaging way?

What makes this song and fish so special?

It’s a story song.  Songs that tell stories engage children in a deeper way by growing and developing and changing. They have characters to connect with, so the child’s emotions are brought into play.  This gives us a song the child is more interested in participating with.

Above the Sea has a conversation, and the song’s melodic pattern also mimics that conversation.  When we ask a question, our pitch will naturally slide up at the end of the sentence. When Little Fish asks “What’s above the sea?”, the pitch moves up as well.  So, when we sing this story we are helping our child to understand how people use language to communicate with each other.

Above the Sea also develops your child’s ability to produce spoken words.  Singing is often easier for a child than speaking, because singing is slower and more deliberate.  Syllables are broken down and clearly pronounced when you sing; consonants are enunciated and vowels are drawn out.

What will often times pass by in a blur in spoken word will be clearly heard and understood when sung.   Now they can use those words in other parts of their life, and they can sing along with the song, too.

Each of the sung patterns has visual components to accompany them. The fish face each other when they talk, and I always wiggle the fish who is talking at that moment. When they go up to the top of the sea, we all swim our fish up and sing up a scale at the same time -nice little auditory/visual connection there!

When the fish come back down, our voices descend the scale, too.  The kids can clearly see/hear/feel the patterns in the song.  The more senses we include in the learning process the deeper the learning is!

My favorite part is the verse in the middle whose words we can change.  Does your child love sharks? See the shark- hear him bark, his teeth are so scary!

Dinosaurs? See the dinosaur – and hear her roar, I think her name’s Marie!

What about Lightening McQueen? See Lightening McQueen – hear his engine scream, He’ll win the Grand Prix!

Come to class and sing me your verses. I’d love to hear them!

So go ahead – sing a fishy song with your child today to encourage their vocal development. By all means, play with your words! They are the best and cheapest toys our children will ever have. And, unlike plastic sharks and dinosaurs and Lightening McQueen cars, they will last the longest.

-posted by Miss Allison, who adores words, spoken, sung and written.

Here are a few ideas to stimulate our thinking about finding music events outside-the-home in our communities.

Kindermusik classes are outstanding once-a-week classes that provide your child with a musical experience with “home-work” (really, “home-play”) and resources (CD’s, musical instruments, books and activity guides) to keep music a focus of your child’s life all week long.

Libraries usually provides a few concerts for kids throughout the year.  In addition, the library has the information about what other concerts and music events are happening in the area. Asking questions will get us plugged into the resources for our music quest.

Public schools perform throughout the year.  The high school concerts can be good enough quality and the musical selections are most often classics. Another benefit is that kids get to see kids performing, giving them a vision for their own musical involvement.

Community colleges also have concerts open to the public that are free or low cost, usually with an increase in quality as the students are older.

Churches have been a harbinger of great music for centuries. Today many churches are still active music venues.  Not only do they often have their own semi-professional choirs or bands, but they often invite other performers in for special concerts.  Around the holidays, churches are the best place to find free musical events to attend or to be involved in. Special Christmas choirs welcome children.  Some churches offer free or low cost musical lessons.  The internet can help us search for these opportunities locally.

Local symphonies commonly offer student ticket rates or special children’s events.  These folks know that their survival depends on the next generation falling in love with classical music.  As a community organization, their goal is to get their music out to the public, not be exclusive. So ask for a discount or scholarship if needed!

Bookstores like Third Place Books and Barnes and Nobles offer free musical events all year long.  During long winter days, these concerts can save the day.  Their schedules are often posted or printed for busy parents to take along, or available on the internet.

Summer concert series are just about done for the season.  In most communities, we can find a free outdoor concert at least one day of the week, if not more.  My friend’s community combined their concerts with the farmers markets.  Any place people gather in the summer, people are likely to include music.

With a little planning, our kids can have a rich musical experience.  Such a variety is available whether we’re investing big money, or living on a shoestring in a down economy. Our children’s lives can be enriched as we dish up a good serving of music daily, whether at home or outside.

-posted by Donna Detweiler, who is encouraged that a child’s musical diet doesn’t need to be skimpy even in lean economic times!

When I heard about this messy movement, it captured my attention.  Are my standards too high I wondered?  Am I bowing to the gods of neatness when my time could be better spent elsewhere?  Mind you, we’re not talking about dishes left in the sink for days, or filthy bathrooms. We’re talking about how picked up and beautiful we feel our house should look all the time.  You know that fleeting ideal– how the house looks when there are no people in it.  When the cleaning lady (me) has finished and no one is home yet, or before the guests arrive for our child’s birthday party with its festive table setting.

When I heard of the messy movement, I immediately thought of a few friends who I’ve always admired for their toleration of mess—no kidding! There’s Caroline (name changed just in case she doesn’t yet see being messy as an admirable trait.) When you enter her house, you notice that her main living room has a large pop-up princess fort and one of those crawling tunnels.  The Little Tykes kitchen is in the corner with the cookware and fake food strewn around.  Living in a chilly, rainy climate, these toys provide an indoor large motor play place for her children.  Because the living room has the most space, they use it for what their family needs most in this phase of life. On the occasions that grown-ups are over, the stuff gets moved, but on a daily basis, the living room is play central. That practical attitude gets a messy award!

Another friend of mine has a messy art table by their front door (which I blogged about earlier this year).  No hiding away this messy space in shame.  Art projects are not interrupted prematurely by a need to clean. Once in a while pens and paint jars are capped, but not before some have dried to a crust.  Piles of paper grace the floor and scissors, crayons and glue cover the table top.  A true messy haven for a budding artist, who paints and draws for hours each day I’m told.

The point of the messy movement, I would guess, is not mess for its own sake.  It’s a reaction to a perfectionistic mentality. When we have an unhealthy ideal of what our home should look like, we can be so driven to achieve this unrealistic goal that we drive ourselves and our families crazy.  We aren’t having any fun and neither is anybody else as we chase this illusion of a perfect home.

Parents, I have a proclamation for us:  Family life is messy.  Seems to me the messy movement is all about bringing balance to our lives.  There’s a time to clean and a time to be messy.  When our children are young, it is the time to be messy.  Celebrating messy is part of celebrating kids.  So let’s spend a bit less time restacking the Tupperware they’ve thrown into the cupboard (or whatever our neatness obsession is), and more time taking our kids out to the garden to play.  Afterwards we can cut some beautiful flowers to put in a vase for the kitchen table. We can clear a space for it in the middle.

-posted by Donna Detweiler who hears there’s plenty of time to have a clean house (and be lonely and wish it were messy again) after the kids are gone.